It has occurred to me more times than I can bare to count that we should be celebrating together lately. I admit I feel blessed that I still have beautiful things happening in my life that I care to share with you and celebrate about. However, each good thing that happens still stings because you are not here with me in all the ways that I wish for you to be.
Today is July 22nd. Tomorrow is your birthday; your fourth birthday away from me here on earth. How can that be? Four years and so much has changed but then again so much hasn’t. I still reflect back… thinking how I managed to make it this long without you. It honestly doesn’t feel possible and I know many people cannot understand that but I don’t need them to. It still doesn’t feel real to me nor do I think that it ever will. The pain is just as deep and my questions have gone unanswered.
The date July 22nd will have great significance in my life very soon. Next year I plan to be married on this very day. It is such an overwhelming and amazing feeling but scary at the same time. Since I began the journey of love with this man I wanted to share him with you more than anything.
I knew you would appreciate his patience and presence in my life. I wanted to share with you his beautiful greenhouses and flowers. I know how much you loved the outdoors and having your own flowers and garden. You’d be impressed with the way I care for my own yard and plants now. I know you are proud of me! More importantly, I know that the way I love him, the way I cherish and take care of him makes you happy for me and I learned it all from you. You were the very best example of love.
You are my role model for love. You truly are! I often pray that I can love as deep and as hard as you loved. Being vulnerable is so challenging for me but I will continue to work at it. We often want to protect ourselves because maybe it just seems easier but I know the reward that comes with being vulnerable because you taught me.
There is so much I want to say. You have no idea. I feel as if I need you more now than ever. Please stay close to me and remind me you are here. I need you to. I will continue to celebrate my life as I know you would want me to. I will also continue to celebrate yours because you deserve it. I miss you. I miss you so bad.
Happy Birthday, my beautiful mom. You are still my whole world and I love you. I will never stop loving you.
I wondered what today would feel like. I started to really anticipate this day when my calendar hit April. But long before then was I anxious for it. As soon as I had realized she was not coming back to me I became scared for this day because I wasn’t sure how I would make it two whole years without her next to me or if I even cared to. If this sounds dramatic than you may have never lost someone that you loved with ever piece of your heart; A person who made each day a better day for you. The person who made your life feel complete. That was my mom.
Which brings me to explain to you how I am feeling… You wait for the calendar to hit the 26th day of April. Like you need some sort of reminder that she’s gone, that you’ve lost her life and that it’s been two unbearable years without her. But do you? Of course not. You don’t need those reminders because you live with them each and everyday. The reminders are constant and it doesn’t take a certain day or time. They aren’t planned and even if they were it couldn’t possibly make them any easier or anymore difficult to cope with.
Everything feels still. There is no motion around me. I sit in silence. All sounds are mute to my ears. There is simply one thing I desire to see and one noise I desire to hear. It is her. But the reality is, two years ago on this very day was the last time I could wake up on this earth to seeing the beautiful face that I desire so much. It was the last time she would walk around talking to me and distracting me as I was trying to get ready to run out the door for work. I loved our mornings. It was always so hard to leave her. We would get into conversation and sidetracked easily. It became a bad habit that I would regularly leave the house late and speed off to work trying to make it on time. I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything.
If I could go back in time I would make each one of those moments last longer. I would squeeze her a little tighter, listen to her words more closely and embrace all the wonderful things that only she could give me.
I have learned throughout the past two years that I have not faced this time without my mom. That in her own special way she still gives me the guidance and love I desire. It may not always feel like enough because I know what I have had with her but it is something and for that I am extremely grateful.
I look up at the sky and talk to you. What I wouldn’t give to hear you talk back. But sometimes if I am patient and I closely listen I can feel you in my heart guiding me in the direction you believe I should go. You send me messages of comfort when you know I need them the most. But you have also helped me to not only rely on you but to build my own strength so that I know I can do it without you. Because as painful as it is, we both know I have to. I miss your voice. I miss your laughter. I miss your crazy (but awesome) dance moves. I miss everything about you. I wish you could teach me to cook. Someday tell me how beautiful I am in my wedding dress. Help me be a mother when I have my own babies. I am so scared for all of those things without you. But I believe the love between a mother and daughter is forever and that everywhere I am there you will be…
I truly feel as if I am the most blessed young woman in this world because you are my mother. Words cannot express the love I have for you mom. I hope through the way I continue to live my life you will see. The sun is shining for you today. Just maybe I will see a butterfly and if I do, I know it will be you.
I love you mom.