Tomorrow We Should Be Celebrating

It has occurred to me more times than I can bare to count that we should be celebrating together lately. I admit I feel blessed that I still have beautiful things happening in my life that I care to share with you and celebrate about. However, each good thing that happens still stings because you are not here with me in all the ways that I wish for you to be.

Today is July 22nd. Tomorrow is your birthday; your fourth birthday away from me here on earth. How can that be? Four years and so much has changed but then again so much hasn’t. I still reflect back… thinking how I managed to make it this long without you. It honestly doesn’t feel possible and I know many people cannot understand that but I don’t need them to. It still doesn’t feel real to me nor do I think that it ever will. The pain is just as deep and my questions have gone unanswered.

The date July 22nd will have great significance in my life very soon. Next year I plan to be married on this very day. It is such an overwhelming and amazing feeling but scary at the same time. Since I began the journey of love with this man I wanted to share him with you more than anything.

I knew you would appreciate his patience and presence in my life. I wanted to share with you his beautiful greenhouses and flowers. I know how much you loved the outdoors and having your own flowers and garden. You’d be impressed with the way I care for my own yard and plants now. I know you are proud of me! More importantly, I know that the way I love him, the way I cherish and take care of him makes you happy for me and I learned it all from you. You were the very best example of love.

You are my role model for love. You truly are! I often pray that I can love as deep and as hard as you loved. Being vulnerable is so challenging for me but I will continue to work at it. We often want to protect ourselves because maybe it just seems easier but I know the reward that comes with being vulnerable because you taught me.

There is so much I want to say. You have no idea. I feel as if I need you more now than ever. Please stay close to me and remind me you are here. I need you to. I will continue to celebrate my life as I know you would want me to. I will also continue to celebrate yours because you deserve it. I miss you. I miss you so bad.

Happy Birthday, my beautiful mom. You are still my whole world and I love you. I will never stop loving you.

I Still Catch Myself Walking Around to Find You.

Time keeps passing by. The days get further and further away. But the way that I feel, the terrible ache and desire in my heart, it doesn’t go away. No, not even with time – not with days, not even with weeks.

I just had my third Christmas without you here with me. Can you believe it? This still feels like a nightmare. It just doesn’t seem right. Someone so deserving, so precious, so pure. Someone like you. How could it be? I have no answers, just thoughts and questions that run constant throughout my head.

I am still waiting. Waiting for the day I will wake up and realize it couldn’t be true. That I didn’t lose you, because I couldn’t.

My voice replays over and over again in my mind. Me begging out loud or possibly trying to convince myself, that I could never lose you.

This past weekend I was very sad. Sad to spend another holiday without you.

I came across this poem. I cried and cried reading the words over and over again.

I missed you every hour. And you know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. I’d catch myself just walking around to find you, not for any reason, just out of habit, because I’d seen something that I wanted to tell you about or because I wanted to hear your voice. And then I’d realize that you weren’t there anymore, and every time, every single time, it was like having the wind knocked out of me. – Leigh Bardugo

I still catch myself walking around to find you. And I get so mad at myself because how in the heck could I forget. How could I fail to remember the pain that I live with day in and day out?  I suppose I don’t.

What I remember so vividly, like it was just yesterday, is how beautiful your sweet love was. How lovely the sound of your voice was. How incredible the feel of  your touch was. The wonders of your words of wisdom and the way you always listened with compassion.

I remind myself how blessed I will always be to have a mother like you and that is what always gives me strength to carry on.

But, I miss your love, your voice, your touch, your wisdom and compassion. I miss everything about you, so SO much. I am your girl, always.

I Refuse.

I refuse to consider someone taking your place, in any way, shape or form. Your perfection to me is so unique and rare. It is deeply missed. Your classy behavior, generous heart and unconditional love is so incredibly special. Each day I live without you here with me I learn to appreciate even more just how wonderful you are and were to me.

When I think of you, I think of elegance and not because you were a dolled up woman. You were actually quite simple. You appreciated the little things in life. I think of elegance because of the way you carried yourself; the way you treated people.

Growing up is so hard, mom, especially without you. People like you and like me, they are hard to come by. I sometimes question this world, myself, how do people ignore the feelings of others so easily? How can they be so selfish? As many of my questions, there are likely no answers, but mom, please know the selfless life you lived has inspired me. It hasn’t given me perspective and morals.

I am a woman with morals and self-pride. I know what I want and what I deserve and I promise to not compromise that. I speak out about the way I feel. This morning I am speaking out to you. No matter how fast time passes by. No matter how much it seems like the world moves on without you. I don’t. Not today, not any day.

You are my mom. You are the only woman that will ever love me in all the ways that you do. You lift me up, you impact me and only you can. No matter what, even without your presence here with me in this crazy world, you’re here, I feel you.

I never want to not feel you. I never want to forget how good it felt to be with you. I never want to share the communication, bond and special love I had with you. You’re all mine, you are everything I want and need. Please know how much I miss you, every part of me; my mind, body, heart and soul ache without you. Please keep guiding me and loving me because I need you.