Hello October!

Well, whether we are ready or not, it is now the beginning of October. It is hard to believe how fast time passes by. Isn’t it? I feel as if each time I write a post I find myself expressing a similar statement.

October

Fall is such a wonderful time of the year. The leaves are changing, there are many wonderful scents to enjoy and yummy things to eat…oh, and of course it is football season. Suddenly, it’s time to pull the sweaters out of the back of your closet and start wearing your cute boots. There isn’t a better time for warm coffee or fuzzy blankets. You can explore fun activities with your friends and family such as carving pumpkins (one of my favorites). There are just so many joyful things about this time of the year.

However, tied to all these beautiful things, there can be sadness too. Fall brings holidays, memories and traditions. For me, this can be a real struggle. As much as I love to enjoy all my favorites about this time of the year, my heart aches for what I am missing. My mom. As today, I am working at the office; I can’t help but feel distracted with my thoughts. My mind wonders and wishes so badly that I could spend this first fall weekend with her.

She loved this time of the year too. She always made the most of what the season would bring. She was full of life, generosity and love. How blessed am I to learn from her incredible behavior and to now in some special way walk in her footsteps? I continue to remind myself that is what she would want for me. Life, generosity and love.

I came across this verse today and felt very inspired by it…

You will be enriched in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. -2 Corinthians 9:11

What an empowering verse! God is really speaking to me right now. He continues to enrich me in every way so that I have the ability to give to others. And that is exactly what this fall season is about. We should be consumed with having generosity on every occasion and giving no matter what the result may be. Through God all of our giving will be rewarded with good.

Through the smile and tears, he has truly continued to be by my side. With happiness and with sadness, the Lord has been so generous to me. I feel humbled by 2 Corinthians 9:11. I feel motivated and ready to make the most of this fall and to walk with generosity in the guidance of my Lord and of course, my mother, so that they may lead me down the paths that I need to follow.

giving-2

Life is too Short

Lately I’ve been on this whole kick of ‘Life is too Short.’ And really, it can be.

I think because of both the many fortunate and unfortunate events that have occurred in my life at a fairly young age, I feel compelled to live every day to its fullest and make the most of my life. As wonderful as it sounds, it is actually a very hard and demanding task to complete. Not only can life be incredibly beautiful, but it can be extremely challenging as well. It is difficult to remain in positivity when at times there can be so much negativity surrounding you.

I’m starting to believe that awareness is the key.

life is short 1

To start, become aware and acknowledge that your mind is powerful. Some of the most gifted and talented minds have taken nothing and made it into something. We can control the majority of what we are feeling and the way we behave by being in tune with our own minds. I come across many obstacles, both big and small, throughout my daily life. My approach towards tackling the obstacles varies based on what they actually are. However, I am fairly certain that I would not be able to overcome a large percent of my own personal obstacles without acceptance.

There are things in this life that seem unfair. I have several examples in mind. One that continuously occurs to me is sickness. I know several beautiful individuals that have battled severe illnesses that either left them in despair or led them to death. It seems like no matter how hard you try to comprehend something like terrible illnesses that happen to people all over the world, it just doesn’t make sense. And it probably won’t. Through a lot of hard work I have come to the acceptance that there are not answers for everything; especially the things we cannot control. Lucky for us, there are so many things we can control. So, let’s focus on that!

In today’s world we are blessed to have the gift of freedom. We are entitled to choices. As we know there were once days when having freedom wasn’t as easy as it is now. But right now, in this moment you are able to decide what you want to do and when and how you’d like to do it. You may choose your religion, your occupation, your education, your spouse and so much more. But not only that you can choose your church, your location, your school, your soul mate and again so much more. If you really stop to think about it, how awesome is that?!

So I have been asking myself a series of these types of questions lately. I have committed to take time to dig deep in searching my soul. I want to develop confidence that I will spend each day of my life the way I truly desire to. This process is just beginning for me and as I am finding out already it can be quite confusing. But in the end, I totally believe it is going to be worth it.

I have awareness of the power of my mind. I have accepted that there will be obstacles to come that I may not understand and I am ready to focus on all the things that I know I can control. I am working to have the confidence I encourage us all to have. Live life doing what makes you happy.

life is short 2

Be Vulnerable for the People You Love

Death is such a hard concept. I have learned something: no matter how experienced you are with dealing with the circumstances tied to death or rather how inexperienced you are with all of the emotions attached with the unavoidable, it hurts. Losing someone you love is painful. Watching others lose someone they love is also painful.

It is tragic adjusting to having a person’s physical presence to not. No matter how young or how old, when you lose someone it is impossible to comprehend why. Why now? Why did it have to happen the way it did? As human beings we are never ready to say goodbye. Change is not a comfortable feeling. Being forced to stray from a familiar routine is uncomfortable. It just doesn’t feel natural.

The past week has sort of been a whirlwind for me. I have watched people I love and care about suffer. The mourning and grieving has been from two different families, both of which are near and dear to my heart.

One family forced to putting their sweet loved one into hospice; forced with coming to acceptance that from this point on each day will be consumed with the painful wonder of if their loved one will make it through the day. The other family, waking up on Sunday morning to learn that their loved one has passed on to Heaven, a better place.

How is it that even if we have faith, we know that heaven exists and we also believe that all that belong in heaven are free from any sort of pain, it still hurts us. If death is unavoidable, why does it have to hurt so badly?

At some point in our lives we will all have to deal with people we love passing away and in time leaving earth ourselves; it seems to me it should be easier to cope with. Though, through my own experiences I can reassure you there is no easy way to handle death. It never feels fair.

After losing my mom I never imagined having the ability to be a part of other people’s loses. I felt so broken from my own loss that I thought I would never build the strength to be strong enough to comfort and grieve with others. I was wrong. Faith is such a powerful thing. With puddles of tears, sleepless nights praying, and time, I have found it within myself to do so. It doesn’t make it easy, but as I’ve said, I don’t think it can ever be easy.

trust in the lord

Someone I deeply care about is grieving this week. His heart is sad because he has lost a person he looked up to and loved. I have spent hours this week talking with him about all of his thoughts, feelings and memories. We have been put in a position to lean on one another many times throughout the course of knowing each other. But this week, it’s been different.

For the first time, I think he’s had a glimpse of what it feels like to lose someone you love. I would never wish this pain on him or on anyone. But we have learned how to grieve with each other. We have learned how to communicate about things that are never easy to discuss. And I have learned that when you care for someone there should be no pain you aren’t willing to take in order to give the gift of guidance and comfort through a difficult time.

For twenty-two I have lived through a lot of moments of darkness. I have had to deal with and experience many difficulties tied with death. I am very familiar with the feeling of losing someone you love. I live with it every day. This week I have been blessed to comfort two very different groups of people who are dealing with death; one family who is preparing to lose their loved one and another who has already lost theirs.

God is good. He puts us in the right places at the right time.

My advice: Never be afraid to be vulnerable for the people you love, it can be painful but worth it.

 

Wishing You a Happy Birthday

I stepped outside on my lunch today. The sun was shining so bright and beautifully. The air was still and for a moment I finally felt calm. I couldn’t help but smile because in my heart I knew today would be a sunny day. The sun is shining for you, because this is your day. Though I miss your physical presence more than my words could ever express. I know you are in good hands and that your soul is free. It’s free of any pain, negativity, panic, worry and heartache. It’s full of joy, laughter, pride and happiness. I want all of those wonderful things for you, I promise that I do. I try to fight every waking day to feel joy in my heart. I want to come to some sort of peace because I know that is what you want for me. Some days are easier than others. Today is a hard day. But I thank you, and I thank our glorious God for allowing the warm soothing sun to shine so bright on me today. When I close my eyes I can almost feel your arms wrapped around me. There is nothing like the feeling of your touch. There is no sound as sweet as your loving voice. Please know, for as long as I live, no one will ever take your place.

This is from me, mom, from the bottom of my heart, wishing you a happy birthday.

Birthday butterflies

Our Dreams Together

I had a dream about you last night mom. Well actually this is the 7th night in the row I’ve dreamt of you, isn’t that something? It truly is.

I love seeing your beautiful face in my dreams. I love the things we still experience together and the way it feels to know you are still there.

There is one part I don’t love; it is something I still struggle with. Though I am getting better. I know it is not worth the sacrifice of losing you in my dreams too. Maybe it’s you who is helping me. I can believe that. I think you enjoy our dreams together too.

The time is perfect between us just as it always was. We laugh and share our favorite stories with each other and you help me with the things I need your guidance with. But each time I dream of you, I lose you before I wake up.

It’s awful; I hate to replay the emotions of losing you. Living with the feelings each and everyday is hard enough. So I wake up and it sucks (I know you hated that word). But trust me mom it does and there’s no other way to put it. Because it is the reality and I can’t pretend. You’re not here but I already knew that.

And it is so beautiful out today. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and I would love nothing more than for you to make me my first cup of coffee for the day as you always would. I just want to talk to you. I want to tell you all about graduation approaching, we could possibility go for a rollerblade at the park together, and maybe we could have that dinner we never had the chance to… I get lost in these thoughts, the hope of them and then I realize I am dreaming again.

It becomes overwhelming quick. I need some fresh air. So, I walk outside and sit out on the back patio. Did I mention how gorgeous it is out today? I just want to feel you in my presence.

These were your favorite days. I take a few moments to just breathe and tears fill my face. My heart can’t help but just ache for you. But I remind myself that I will be ok; because you will guide me and give me the comfort I need day by day. You’ve proven that to me, even when it felt impossible. Many many days have felt impossible without you, but somehow someway I am still here and I am ok. I have become so strong and for that I know you are proud.

Going through the experience of losing my mom has taught me how important it is to stop and reflect. You should remind yourself of where you were, where you are and where you want to be. This strategy helps during the most difficult of times because it is a way to almost evaluate your life in a positive way. It is proof to yourself that you can and will continue to strive to move forward and make it through moments and days that literally feel impossible. Trust me I have been there. Please know by saying ‘move forward’ I do not mean move on. I actually firmly believe you do not need to move on to heal. I have come to the realization that I will never move on from my mom and nor do I want to. The thing is why would I?

I will move forward, as she would want me to but I will always carry her with me. She will always be a part of me, who I am and what I do.

One of the most hurtful things that people have said to me throughout this experience was referring to “moving on from my mom.” I am not an aggressive person (at all), but I will tell you there were a few moments where I could have slapped people in the face for saying this to me. I hope you understand.

When things become overwhelming quick for you. Stop. Take a moment, just as I did this morning, to allow yourself to reflect. It is healthy. Do something that brings you comfort; whatever that might be.

Maybe like me you enjoy stepping outside to feel the fresh air. There’s something about it that has always been very calming to me. I also enjoy exercising, writing or being around people I love when I am feeling this way. But be sure to focus your energy on taking a moment to reflect in a POSITIVE way and if you are going to do something let it be POSITIVE. I have been there, where I hurt so bad that I did not want to do anything positive. Rather I wanted to do things that were negative, things I had never done before. Don’t let that be you. It truly isn’t worth it and it does not make you feel better.

It is my hope to encourage you to see in yourself that you are one step further today than you were yesterday. Even if yesterday felt impossible…it was worth it because you made it here today and today is a beautiful day.