Trust Yourself

I debated on exactly how in-depth I wanted to get with this post based on my own privacy, I suppose. After giving it a lot of thought for a few days I decided to just begin writing to see where my words would take me.

My thoughts begin with the word honesty. If you can’t be honest with yourself, how can you ever expect to be honest with anyone else? For those who know me well, they understand one value that I hold incredibility high is trust. It is impossible for me to be involved in a good friendship or even more so relationship without the feeling of mutual trust.

Your word is only as good as your actions.

Trust can be very complicated. It takes a while to build, but can be broken within a matter of seconds.

Throughout the past five months I have been dealing with debilitating pain. My body has felt trapped within a state that feels extremely unhealthy. I have felt fatigue, along with an assortment of chronic pain that has been capable of controlling my life both physically and mentally.  And at times it has. However, I’ve felt determined to overcome this sick feeling no matter how much it would take out of me.

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I had to trust myself. I would remind myself of this daily. There were multiple times I recall crying out to myself or some of the close people in my life… “Am I crazy?” I wasn’t even sure if I was asking myself or if I was waiting for someone else to declare it. I had to be crazy. I’ve felt physical pain before, as losing my mom took over both my mind and body for a while, but this was something much different. I almost felt in some ways like I couldn’t manage to function.

I knew something was going on with my body, I just wasn’t sure what it was. As I went from doctor to doctor, I would find myself in tears recalling the same story. I would read my journal to them where I kept tabs of what I ate, how many hours I slept, the medicine/supplements I would consume and what I was feeling. I took multiple tests where minor abnormalities would pop up but nothing explaining the deep and controlling pain I knew I was experiencing. It quickly became a nightmare.

I could feel myself losing patience; but that wasn’t even the worst part. I could also feel people, who meant so much to me, pushing away from me because it began to consume me. I wasn’t fun, I sure wasn’t happy and it’s very possible, it was quite difficult to be around me.  People at work began to recognize I was in pain. They would complement me with how well I was coping. They’d even make mention of my positive attitude and devoted energy to my work. But inside I could feel that it was fake and draining me. I was giving it all I could just to make it through a day of work. One day at a time.

Finally one night I was absolutely hysterical. I was crying out to my father and friend, “I am in so much pain, I can’t do this anymore.” And in spite of what they may of thought, I truly felt this way. I was losing hope because I was trying desperately to find some sort of answer and relief. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t happening.

Very shortly after that night, I think God heard my cries and answered my prayers. I met with an extremely talented and generous doctor. For once, in this journey, I felt that he actually wanted me better as much as I did. I knew he was determined to help me and lead me to recovery. Within a few long months he connected me with a very special lady. She was a specialized in the area he felt I needed to be connected in. He was right.

Within a month of my first visit with her I was getting put to sleep for surgery. I went into the surgery nervous, but anxious with some sort of excitement. I was looking for answers that I so desperately needed. My first memory after recovery was the voice of the sweet lady doctor. She held my arm and said “Randi, my dear, you are not crazy.” It turns out something had been taking over my body and was causing me intense and terrible pain. If they wouldn’t have found it, it would have only gotten worse for me and could have resulted in a lot of permanent damage that would have been devastating for me.

I am still recovering, I have a long ways to go, but I know now how important it is to always trust yourself. You know your own body and needs. Don’t ever sell yourself short by not acknowledging what you feel. Be your own advocate and fight with every ounce of hope that no matter what you are facing there are better days ahead. Healing will come for those who believe.

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A Tribute to Nan

The first thing that comes to mind when thinking of you is your laugh. It was inevitably contagious. There was always a smile on your face, a cup of coffee on your desk and some sort of yummy treat in your hand. You were passionate, enthusiastic and determined. Most of all you were kind. In the years of knowing you, I can’t think of a moment in time that I ever recognized a mean bone in your body. Yet, I have all the faith in the world that if any stupid boy did me wrong or broke my heart, you’d let em’ have it. Your words, not mine. I loved sharing my stories and shoe fetishes with you. You were a sucker for a fabulous pair of heels. I don’t blame you. Your favorite outfit, a Red Wings jersey. You were so simple, but elegant. I always felt comfort and love in your presence. Maybe it’s because you always genuinely cared to know what was going on in my life. I am so thankful you made it to my college graduation ceremony. I will miss our frequent lunches at Focassia’s. Their lobster bisque was your favorite. It will hard to go back there without you. I know with all of my heart, the ‘Nut House’ will never be the same without you. You were deeply loved by everyone who crossed your path. And will forever hold a special place in my heart. You will be missed. But I remind myself of your faith and rejoice knowing that you are with the love of your life again, Howard. I hope you’ll go visit Hawaii again with him.

I will always love you Nan.

Please give my mom a hug for me.

P.S. I know you both will be watching over the stands on October 10th for the boys’ football game.

Nan

 

Be Vulnerable for the People You Love

Death is such a hard concept. I have learned something: no matter how experienced you are with dealing with the circumstances tied to death or rather how inexperienced you are with all of the emotions attached with the unavoidable, it hurts. Losing someone you love is painful. Watching others lose someone they love is also painful.

It is tragic adjusting to having a person’s physical presence to not. No matter how young or how old, when you lose someone it is impossible to comprehend why. Why now? Why did it have to happen the way it did? As human beings we are never ready to say goodbye. Change is not a comfortable feeling. Being forced to stray from a familiar routine is uncomfortable. It just doesn’t feel natural.

The past week has sort of been a whirlwind for me. I have watched people I love and care about suffer. The mourning and grieving has been from two different families, both of which are near and dear to my heart.

One family forced to putting their sweet loved one into hospice; forced with coming to acceptance that from this point on each day will be consumed with the painful wonder of if their loved one will make it through the day. The other family, waking up on Sunday morning to learn that their loved one has passed on to Heaven, a better place.

How is it that even if we have faith, we know that heaven exists and we also believe that all that belong in heaven are free from any sort of pain, it still hurts us. If death is unavoidable, why does it have to hurt so badly?

At some point in our lives we will all have to deal with people we love passing away and in time leaving earth ourselves; it seems to me it should be easier to cope with. Though, through my own experiences I can reassure you there is no easy way to handle death. It never feels fair.

After losing my mom I never imagined having the ability to be a part of other people’s loses. I felt so broken from my own loss that I thought I would never build the strength to be strong enough to comfort and grieve with others. I was wrong. Faith is such a powerful thing. With puddles of tears, sleepless nights praying, and time, I have found it within myself to do so. It doesn’t make it easy, but as I’ve said, I don’t think it can ever be easy.

trust in the lord

Someone I deeply care about is grieving this week. His heart is sad because he has lost a person he looked up to and loved. I have spent hours this week talking with him about all of his thoughts, feelings and memories. We have been put in a position to lean on one another many times throughout the course of knowing each other. But this week, it’s been different.

For the first time, I think he’s had a glimpse of what it feels like to lose someone you love. I would never wish this pain on him or on anyone. But we have learned how to grieve with each other. We have learned how to communicate about things that are never easy to discuss. And I have learned that when you care for someone there should be no pain you aren’t willing to take in order to give the gift of guidance and comfort through a difficult time.

For twenty-two I have lived through a lot of moments of darkness. I have had to deal with and experience many difficulties tied with death. I am very familiar with the feeling of losing someone you love. I live with it every day. This week I have been blessed to comfort two very different groups of people who are dealing with death; one family who is preparing to lose their loved one and another who has already lost theirs.

God is good. He puts us in the right places at the right time.

My advice: Never be afraid to be vulnerable for the people you love, it can be painful but worth it.

 

This is What is Real

I can’t seem to focus right now. So, I am not even going to try. All I can think about today is her. Maybe it’s because this week is her birthday; Thursday, June 23rd.  She would be turning fifty- three this year.

So much life still left to live.

So much joy left to be felt.

So much love left to give.

But instead of celebrating another year with me, with her family, she will be somewhere that feels so far away from me right now. I know that she will be in heaven. She’s there right now. I bet it’s beautiful, painless, something like paradise; but it’s a beautiful place that right now feels so far away from me.

This will be her third birthday spent away from her three children. We are sad…we miss our mom. Not a day goes by that we don’t wish to have her here in our presence. Life isn’t the same when you lose someone you love. Life isn’t the same without a mother around to care for, protect and love on you.

It is so frustrating you know; when you lose someone like her. As time passes on people move on and sometimes you can’t help but almost wonder if they have forgotten. You still feel overwhelmed with the loss. You grieve frequently over what you no longer have. But it seems for most people, life goes on. Their families are still whole and their mom still has life. You almost panic because as the time passes you hear less of her. People stop checking in, they even forget important dates like Thursday and it hurts.

You don’t want to be bitter. You don’t long for pity. You are just sad. You’re sad because no matter how much time passes, for you, the void is still there. The hole is left aching in your heart. You want something simple, something every twenty-two year old girl should desire. You just want to spend your mom’s birthday with her. You want to see her face and hear her voice. Would a simple hug be too much to ask for?

Today I am grieving. I am grieving so bad. I miss my mom and it hurts. I wish I had more to say, but today this is all. Because this is what is real.

From our favorite author, Nicholas Sparks. “Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face – I know it’s an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.”

 

Utilize Your Gifts

This morning at work I noticed a familiar smiling face in which was not smiling. It was abnormal to me to see this sort of expression on this individual’s face. With a feeling in my gut that something was wrong I proceeded to ask the person how their weekend was. I actually received the response I was expecting; something was wrong.

This person had been informed just yesterday that a close friend had unexpectedly passed away. I could immediately relate to the feelings attached to death. It might be the hardest concept to comprehend and accept. I know that it is for me. Nothing about death has ever seemed fair to me. However, I know that it is a natural part of life and often times it is something we just cannot control.

It bothered me seeing this person in pain. It bothered me knowing I could relate so much to the heartache of death. In part, that is why I decided at some point in my day I needed to make an attempt to reach out to this hurting person in order to express my condolences and concern. More importantly, I wanted this person to know, that they were not alone in this feeling.

I am hesitant to become personal with people in my work setting. I am very comfortable with the concept of keeping my work and my personal life separate. I think it just helps to remain professional and productive while at the office. I do believe there are exceptions for this behavior and this time, today, would be one of those.

The moment I walked away from the individual the phrase “Utilize your gifts” came to my mind. It was almost like God was speaking to me as a reminder for me to not ignore reaching out to someone in need…especially someone I knew I could help. I know the good Lord understands better than anyone else that I could relate and offer some sort of encouragement or comfort in this time of need. And so, I didn’t ignore Him or my heart.

Sometimes using our own personal gifts is sort of a hard thing to do. But why is this? They are a huge part of our purpose in this life. They are the best way we can make an impact on this world.

First, I think it is important to clarify what exactly I mean by ‘our gifts.’ I think our gifts can be found by taking the time to recognize something you are naturally good at, a part of your own testimony, something you have been through that changed your life in some form. I believe our gifts can also be something we are extremely passionate about; something that makes us who we are. Sharing your gift is using yourself to provide for someone who is need of whatever it may be that you have to offer.

Unfortunately, sometimes these gifts have required a lot of heartache; for instance, losing my mom unexpectedly at nine-teen years old. It has been the most heart breaking journey, I hope, I will ever have to take. I wish that no other teenage girl in this world would ever have to experience what I have. But throughout this journey I have developed a set of skills in order to overcome the heartache that trapped me in darkness for far too long.

I find myself in a place now where I have hope in peace and I can feel joy again. I understand the true significance of feeling broken; I know what it is like to receive comfort, guidance and encouragement and I also know what it is like to not. But more importantly I have learned how to give all of those three things and more. I understand the true importance of giving when someone needs it the most. It has created this strong feeling inside of me that wishes more people in this world would not be afraid to GIVE. The reward is unimaginable.

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That is why I now decided in my life to make a commitment to myself and the people I come across. There is no exception to not giving and utilizing the gifts that God gave you to help another human being in need. His purpose for our gifts is to reach out to one another and help each other to live this life to its fullest.

At the end of today, I had a visitor at my office door. The person had a smile on their face as they thanked me for not only reaching out to them on a day they needed it the most, but also for being brave enough to share my own heartache in order to make a difference in the person’s day.

You Can Make a Difference

People will hurt you.

But always remember: two wrongs don’t make a right.

I remind myself of this golden rule countless times throughout the week. I don’t know about you but I find myself frequently feeling disappointed or sensitive towards the actions of the people around me. It is not because I think I am perfect or that I believe I always do right. I know I don’t. I think it is more because I am very observant and aware of how the decisions and behaviors of one person can affect another human being.

Whether we intend to or not; people do hurt people. This is a concept I have never really understood. Why do we hurt people… especially the ones we love? There is so much hurt that already exists in this world. Couldn’t we just be a little more careful about protecting one another? That is something I continuously hope for. When I say my prayers I ask God to help the people in this world to find more kindness, peace and love. I think the world would be a much better place if people focused more on positive actions.

However, as well all know, we only have control of one person; and that is you. This brings me to another point; I have heard people say “one person cannot make a difference.” I call bullshit on that one. I know that one person can make all the difference. It can take one act of kindness to turn around someone’s whole day. It can take one message of hope to encourage someone to not give up. I have people in my life that it simply takes being in their presence to give me the peace and happiness I desire to feel. That, my friends, is making a difference.

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I have been in an all-time low. I have been in a place where peace and happiness did not exist.  My world felt upside down. It took beautiful people in my life that made a commitment within themselves to continue to remind me that peace and happiness would come. It took me making the decision to want to find that peace and happiness in my life again, but it didn’t happen overnight.

I recall a very sad moment for me. It was the summer after I lost my mom. I had anxiety racing in every part of my body. I felt claustrophobic; in my mind I was trapped within a state of pain and was desperate to feel some sort of relief. However, no matter how much I cried or screamed…no matter what I tried to do to comfort myself from losing my mom; I couldn’t find relief.  I had been sitting in her closet surrounded by her clothes; I had her pictures on my lap and was sobbing into her bath robe when I felt like I couldn’t take the pain for another second.

I got up and ran downstairs and out the door. It was the middle of the night and I began running down my driveway. I continued on down the road, running and screaming. Every part of me hurt. I kept running and running until I almost couldn’t breathe. Maybe I thought I could run from and escape my pain. It didn’t work like that.

I look back at this moment and tears fill my eyes. I can feel the intensity of pain I had in that very moment. But I can’t help but look at where I am now and almost smile because I know how much I have had to overcome to get to where I am. I cry thinking about my journey, even the days to come without my mom. But I will always rejoice in the strength and peace I have found within myself.

Having to face such a tragic time in my life at a young age has helped me to form a very unique outlook on life. I have felt pain and suffering. I know what serious hurt feels like. Feeling the deep emotions I have has given me a better appreciation for the people around me and the way I choose to treat them. You never know what other people are facing, how difficult it might be for them to get through the day or how desperately they need to feel some sort of relief, like I did.

I never want to intentionally be the individual who adds negativity to another person’s day. That is why I feel it is so beneficial to always be aware of your actions and how you are treating others. You can make a difference.

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Fear Can Be a Beautiful Thing

Two years, two months.

My heart is sad today. I woke up very sad. I am actually not feeling very well because of it. I wanted to post this blog today because I think it is important to share with everyone that sad days are okay too. They are completely natural. There are days and moments that are harder than others for me to accept not having my mom around. This sort of makes my life a roller coaster, but I am alright with that too because the ups are better than the downs. They make it all worth it.

Next week is the fourth of July. I recall last year and all the other years of my life going up to the Silver Lake Sand Dunes with my family for a long weekend to celebrate together. The past few years my mom hasn’t been here to make the trip with us. However, our very first trip to the dunes without her we brought her ashes and shared a very indescribable and heartfelt moment together as a family. That was one of her favorite places in the world and we wanted to make sure that she would always be there with us. We did and I will never forget embracing that time with my brothers and dad.

Dunes lake pic

This year is the first year we are not making the trip. It is sort of bittersweet. Nick and Nathan have football and are unable to come home. So Dad and I decided to part from our trip and make other plans. It isn’t the same up there without the whole family. I will greatly miss experiencing the sparkling fireworks over the great big sand dunes reflecting into the beautiful lake. It is truly a sight to see. I realize in my heart it has never been the same since I have been there without my mom. I don’t think it ever will be. Our memories there are so good that I can’t help but always ache for her to be there with me. Maybe a change in direction and taking a different trip will be good for me. I am not sure yet.

There’s something about summer that has become very hard for me. My mom loved the sunshine, flowers, butterflies, bonfires, cookouts, rollerblading and taking family trips. My summers still consist of all of those activities but each one feels different without her. I know she would want me to enjoy all of her favorite things, even without her. I try to remind myself of that often.

There are many times that I fear doing so. I create this image in my mind that it is not right to enjoy my life without her. It brings guilt to my heart because as much as I do believe she wants me to be happy; it hurts me to be happy without her. I am assuming that anyone who has ever lost someone close to them could in some way relate to that feeling. There are people who believe fear is a bad feeling to have. Throughout my journey with and without my mom I have come to a point where I strongly disagree.

Fear can be a beautiful thing. It can resemble what you have and what you don’t want to lose. It can signify what you had and what you are scared to go on without. In order to inquire those feelings one must have loved and loved deeply. That is exactly what I have felt and feel about my mom. I am not ashamed to fear my life without her in a sense. It is proof of how important she was and always will be to me.

We have to find healthy ways to live and cope with fear. I believe I have. I acknowledge my own personal fears, I am aware of them and I overcome them each and every day. To me, that is what is real. I do not envy a person who claims to live without any fear. This world can be a very scary place, it is unpredictable. And let’s be honest we aren’t superheroes.

Taylor Swift quote

So, basically this post is meant to be real. Today I am sad. Today I miss my mom so badly. And today I live with some fear, because no matter how bad I want to spend my weekend with her…and no matter what I would give to take a trip to the sand dunes with her to watch the fireworks; I can’t.

 

Choosing the Right Mindset

Is the glass half full or half empty? Are you a positive person or do you tend to look at the negative side of things first? Do you have an open mind or is the door to opportunity, hope and happiness usually closed? It has been proven that pessimism leads to weakness, optimism to power.

These thoughts came to mind when pondering a pretty difficult situation in my own life right now. A very special friend of mine was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a little over a month ago. I had just enjoyed her smiling presence at my graduation ceremony and days later received the heartbreaking news of her illness. It almost seemed impossible to me. It didn’t take much thinking to understand why I couldn’t comprehend this wonderful woman being diagnosed with such an awful disease. She was invincible to me. She is one of the most positive and loving people I had ever met.

I was very scared to see my friend for the first time after receiving the news. However, as soon as I was in her presence I felt so silly for feeling that way. She was the same cheerful, smiley and positive person. If anyone could be optimistic through this time, it would be her.

When reflecting on her experience with being diagnosed with cancer and all that have been through. I came across one of my favorite quotes by another incredible woman, Helen Keller:

“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.”

This very quote is the way I long to live my life. And it is surely the way my friend has lived her. But why can it seem so difficult to be optimistic at times? How can I watch a human being who doesn’t deserve to fight this life-threatening illness suffer, yet smile through her journey and still find myself looking at certain circumstances in my life in a negative light? It doesn’t seem right does it?

I think I have come to the understanding that everyone’s life can be difficult. We all endure different seasons that are trying and bring an enormous amount of heartache. How we determine within ourselves to weather the storm is on us.

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I find with myself that I not only struggle with weathering the “big stuff” but I acknowledge that sometimes I am guilty of being negative when it comes to the small things in my life too. I’ve been extremely exhausted lately or sometimes I just find myself wanting to have a break. I’ve found myself thinking… Ugh why do I have to go to work? When rather, how blessed am I to have a job! It is things like that.

I am a crazy coffee and caffeine lover. I was recently diagnosed with something that in turn causes me to not be able to drink coffee. This was probably one of the things I enjoy most throughout my day…sounds crazy, I know! I have really struggled accepting giving up my favorite habit. But then when considering what other people face and the things they have to give up and conquer, I honestly feel quite selfish.

One of the many lessons I have had to learn the hard way is that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged. Life still continues on and we still have to face whatever is coming our way each day. Having the right mind set and attitude will only benefit our situation and help to restore faith in our self and circumstance.

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I have made it a part of my daily life to journal five positives in my day, no matter if I constitute the day as a good or bad day. I have found that it easier than I ever expected to always come up with at least five positive aspects or moments in my day. I have also decided when negative thoughts or feelings come my way that I reserve the situation by finding some sort of blessing in whatever the situation is. This activity has quickly become very beneficial to me and my mood throughout the day. As I am sure it impacts the people around me as well. Give it a try! 🙂

 

 

What is Hope?

I have finally come to a point in my life where I believe in a bold statement that I’d like to share with you. It is my hope; no cliché intended that someday you might believe in these words too. Please take a moment to truly think about the deep significance of this sentence:

Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.

The words are strong and for some the six words might be incredibly difficult to believe that they could be true. But I can tell you from my own personal experience, the words “once you choose hope, anything’s possible” can be real and true. It may take the toughest fight you’ve ever experienced and I think you have to be willing to let hope exist in your life no matter what you are facing. You also must make the choice to believe that with hope there is no circumstance, amount of heartache or darkness you cannot overcome.

I was in a place in my life, shortly before losing my mother where I could see myself losing hope. Watching the person I loved the very most suffer with immense pain and heartache knowing there was nothing I could do to take away the physical and emotional pain became very trying after the many years we faced this together.

I wanted to believe more than anything that we would get through it; that we would come out better and stronger from this battle. I really wanted to. But it became so hard and people began to doubt us and doubt her. Having hope was almost a chore. It was extremely exhausting. However, I will tell you that until the day I lost my wonderful mom, I never lost my hope.

The night I lost her, my life truly came crashing down. I felt nothing but emptiness, confusion and heartache. I couldn’t understand how we could have struggled for this long remaining faithful to reach this point. That point that we would no longer be side by side; fighting this battle together. She was now in a better place, in peace and paradise. But I was left here, to suffer and pick up the pieces of my heartache and life. I didn’t want to. I had no desire to fight the battle without her. The moment I knew she would no longer be living with me in my world, I honestly lost hope.

With time (months and months) that included a lot of crying and soul searching. With great friendships, my faith in the Lord and my incredible family (my dad and brothers), I found a way to choose hope. It wasn’t easy and I would never want to relive that period of time in my life.

This is a complete understatement, but I was left with two choices: I could give up or I could continue on.

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There were points where giving up felt like the better option. There were moments that no matter what anyone said to me, no matter how much hope they had in me that I would get through this that I felt there was no possible way. In part, I think that maybe hitting that “rock bottom” is a way to solidify the true hope we need as human beings when our world has changed and our hearts are left feeling devastated and broken.

I can’t exactly explain what did it for me. What made me reach this exact point, but I will share with you that it took several rock bottom moments. I had a few moments where I almost scared myself with how terrible and empty I was feeling to reach the opportunity of choosing hope. I came to realize that if I didn’t choose hope and wanted to live I was going to be very miserable. Not only was I going to be miserable but so were the people around me. This is something I never wanted.

I have two amazing brothers who are younger than me. They looked up to me and depended on my strength and love to continue on without our mom. I knew that I needed to find the strength for not only myself but for them because they needed me. I couldn’t give up because I couldn’t give up on them. What an incredible love that is to feel. To love someone (in my case my two brothers) more than I could ever love myself. That was a huge motivator for me to overcome this dark place that almost became comfortable for me to be in.

I would encourage anyone who has ever felt or dealt with something similar to do the same as I did. Find something/someone, whatever/whoever it may be and let them be a reason to not give up. Allow yourself to feel the love and joy that exists for the reason of that person or thing and make the decision to not give up on that feeling. That is exactly what I did. I reasoned with myself that “yes I had lost my mom and it was miserable,” but that I had other wonderful things in my life that made it worth living. But not only that, it made it worth living with hope. Someday, with patience, healing and a lot of work I would feel love and joy again because it did still exist in my life. I believe the same can happen for you.

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Self-Pity is Our Worst Enemy

Never allow yourself to fall within a state of self-pity.

I think that’s where people start to go wrong. But it really is so easy to do. Especially when things are falling apart and nothing seems to be going your way. It is very tempting to feel as if it might be acceptable to have self-pity. And maybe it is. However, it is important and possibly crucial to stop and think about what types of habits develop for the state of feeling sorry for our selves. Because when we do it can become a vicious cycle.

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In part why I am writing this blog is because today I am having a bad day. I couldn’t sleep last night and I couldn’t have been more exhausted. Which doesn’t make sense does it?

Insomnia is something I have became quite familiar with unfortunately. Although I have found some useful aids to assist me with coping with this over the course of the last few years. A few in which I want to share with you: I have found relief from natural oils such as lavender, listening to ambient music and taking the supplement melatonin.

Anyway back to this bad day of mine and how easily I could’ve fallen into a state of self-pity.

I had an important doctor’s appointment this morning. I was really hoping for some answers in which I didn’t get. I have been restless and anxious all day. I am still coping with a long list of symptoms from mono and trying to focus on my exam reviews for finals. Oh, and in the midst of this two days ago I dealt with the two-year anniversary of my mother’s death. AND I should be getting excited for graduation. These thoughts probably seem like a bunch of complaints huh? Well, they are the reality of my day.

I stop by my favorite coffee shop because I am in desperate need of a ”pick me up” aka caffeine. The cute gal at the counter is making my coffee when she asks: “how is your day”? I smile and reply something like “just studying for finals and then I’ll be graduating, yay! How are you?” She quickly replies… “Is your mom so proud of you and excited that you are graduating on Mother’s Day” (You can tell she’s overjoyed for me.)

STAB. Just like that…my heart hurt so badly. And I know she didn’t mean it; of course she didn’t know any better.

I debated my reaction, but apparently it was obvious enough. Right there in that moment, on this very day I could easily have became angry and I could have justified feeling sorry for myself. And probably rightfully so.

Truthfully, today hasn’t seemed like a very fair day. However, I refuse to have that sort of attitude, although, it didn’t happen overnight for me. I probably haven’t shown the outside world the side of me that truly felt sorry for myself at one time but I lived within that state. It was full of darkness and heartache. And it was lonely.

So as much as I wanted to drop to the ground in the coffee shop or scream POOR ME… I wiped the tear from my eye and I smiled at the sweet girl who handed me my coffee apologizing. I begged her to not feel sorry for me and I told her how blessed I am for the time I did have with my mom and that of course she will be so proud of me on Mother’s Day when she watches me walk at my graduation commencement from heaven.

Life can be so incredibly difficult, but there is so much beauty even in the most difficult of days. Today is just one of the many ways God continues to show me that there is no reason to have self-pity and that is why I wanted to share my “bad day” with you.

Self pity pic 1