Compassion

Compassion is the ultimate expression of your highest self.

When I lost one of the greatest gifts God had ever given me, the woman who created me; I lost a part of myself. I knew I needed an experience that would shake me to remind me not of what I had lost but what I still had/have. I have always had a deep love for children & felt I could easily connect with their gentle hearts…I had also always wanted to take my faith to a deeper place by going on a mission trip. Thankfully, my wonderful friend Jerrica very much felt the same. We made the commitment to stay at a Children’s Orphanage in Honduras with a group of woman 4 years ago. One of the best decisions of my life. A bit fearful, I quickly realized in Honduras how blessed I was for growing up with the nurturing, compassionate, incredible mother I did. Though at 19, I lost her way too young. I had been loved in a way many innocent children are completely unfamiliar with. Who was I to be angry for what God had given me? Who was I to feel sorry for my heartache & pain? Though it is very sad & will always feel unfair, I have an everlasting gift in my life that some will never have. I’m grateful for embracing the unknown & touching the lives of so many deserving Honduran children.

YOUR PURPOSE IS GREATER THAN YOURSELF.

Dream of Joy

Last night before I went to bed I really tried to relax my mind and body. I drank my nightly tea, lit a lavender candle and massaged my wrist and feet with my  aromatherapy essential oils. I was in desperate need of a good night’s rest. As always, I was thinking about my mom… All the joy having her in my life would bring and what I would do to have the opportunity to share my life with her again. It is very difficult being a young women without her mother. So, I quickly decided to pray. I knew my mind would not stop racing of thoughts about her, which typically put me in a pretty sad place before bedtime. This would almost always result in me having bad dreams about losing her.

I asked the Lord to give me peace, to calm my mind, body and heart. I thanked him for his mercy and grace. I proceeded in asking him to send me a message or give me peaceful dreams where I could enjoy my mom and she could enjoy me. I was pleasantly surprised when I woke up in the morning. I had a night of beautiful dreams and not only did I get to enjoy my mom, but my brothers did as well.

We were on vacation; me, mom and the boys. She took us to this incredible outdoor mall. We all helped her pick out a bathing suit and a stunning blue dress. I had never seen mom that beautiful, she was glowing, healthy and full of pure joy. We shared many laughs together and proceeded with shopping until we all had new bathing suits and nice dress clothes. She was taking us somewhere special for dinner.

When we arrived to this exotic fun place on the beach, she told us to hop out. We were all in her jeep cruising around with the top off. We walked up together and they had fun dancing music playing. This was the perfect place for our mom. It was a warm beautiful night, everything felt so good. We talked and laughed some more eating lobster and other sea food dishes. We were all so happy to be together.

When I woke up in the morning, I almost felt relieved. I was so thankful for the dream I had. I couldn’t help but wish for a day like that here, right now, on this earth. But I quickly reminded myself of the gift of eternal life. With moments like having such a joyful dream, I have no doubt that my mom is up dancing away in perfect paradise and warm weather. In a place called heaven. I  also know that someday when the Lord calls us all home, we too will be there and our mom will welcome us with open arms. I am anxious for that day. We miss dearly you our beautiful mom, so stinking much.

Be Mindful of Your Needs

Do you ever just feel like you need a day to yourself? A day in which to escape reality or the everyday life of being an adult. Maybe you just want to stay in bed or spend the entire day doing whatever it is that YOU like to do. How about the possibility of utilizing the entire day to catch up on; rest, chores or even some reading. I think these days are referred to as “mental health” days. And boy would I like to take one!

A part of me is wondering why they aren’t a “real thing?” Why it isn’t acceptable to have one every few months or so? It sure would be nice wouldn’t it? Can you imagine the difference it would make in our health?!

I have started to really evaluate myself lately. Daily. I think about how my body is feeling and what its needs are. I also think about how my heart is feeling and what my emotional desires are. I evaluate my personal goals and the outcome of my hard work and determination to reach them. These are really just a few of the examples I have learned can be very beneficial to not only my physical, but mental well-being.

But why is it so hard to take a few minutes throughout the day for ourselves? 

This is a question that most likely doesn’t have a miraculous answer, but if it did the world could truly be a better place. We are not giving, expressing or doing are best if we are not at our best. By this I mean feeling, looking and performing to the fullest of our abilities.

Before you get down on yourself, I think it is critical to acknowledge that really it isn’t our own fault. There is so much pressure in this world and within society that can overpower and take such a toll on us as human beings.  The expectations we have and set are far too high for anyone to feel rested, caught up or achieved.

We are always longing for more or to be better. The house can never be clean enough, we can never spend enough hours at our jobs or how about at the gym. Not to mention feeding our body healthy meals and taking care of our families. The list goes on and on.

One message I’d like to strongly encourage is to ALWAYS take those few precious moments throughout your day to evaluate yourself. When your body is sending you signs that is aches, is tired or needs reprieve…Listen to it. We will never get ahead and be where we want to be without fulfilling the needs our minds, bodies and hearts. Nothing is worth the sacrifice of your own well being. Be mindful of that.

caring for yourself

Hello October!

Well, whether we are ready or not, it is now the beginning of October. It is hard to believe how fast time passes by. Isn’t it? I feel as if each time I write a post I find myself expressing a similar statement.

October

Fall is such a wonderful time of the year. The leaves are changing, there are many wonderful scents to enjoy and yummy things to eat…oh, and of course it is football season. Suddenly, it’s time to pull the sweaters out of the back of your closet and start wearing your cute boots. There isn’t a better time for warm coffee or fuzzy blankets. You can explore fun activities with your friends and family such as carving pumpkins (one of my favorites). There are just so many joyful things about this time of the year.

However, tied to all these beautiful things, there can be sadness too. Fall brings holidays, memories and traditions. For me, this can be a real struggle. As much as I love to enjoy all my favorites about this time of the year, my heart aches for what I am missing. My mom. As today, I am working at the office; I can’t help but feel distracted with my thoughts. My mind wonders and wishes so badly that I could spend this first fall weekend with her.

She loved this time of the year too. She always made the most of what the season would bring. She was full of life, generosity and love. How blessed am I to learn from her incredible behavior and to now in some special way walk in her footsteps? I continue to remind myself that is what she would want for me. Life, generosity and love.

I came across this verse today and felt very inspired by it…

You will be enriched in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. -2 Corinthians 9:11

What an empowering verse! God is really speaking to me right now. He continues to enrich me in every way so that I have the ability to give to others. And that is exactly what this fall season is about. We should be consumed with having generosity on every occasion and giving no matter what the result may be. Through God all of our giving will be rewarded with good.

Through the smile and tears, he has truly continued to be by my side. With happiness and with sadness, the Lord has been so generous to me. I feel humbled by 2 Corinthians 9:11. I feel motivated and ready to make the most of this fall and to walk with generosity in the guidance of my Lord and of course, my mother, so that they may lead me down the paths that I need to follow.

giving-2

Fear Can Be a Beautiful Thing

Two years, two months.

My heart is sad today. I woke up very sad. I am actually not feeling very well because of it. I wanted to post this blog today because I think it is important to share with everyone that sad days are okay too. They are completely natural. There are days and moments that are harder than others for me to accept not having my mom around. This sort of makes my life a roller coaster, but I am alright with that too because the ups are better than the downs. They make it all worth it.

Next week is the fourth of July. I recall last year and all the other years of my life going up to the Silver Lake Sand Dunes with my family for a long weekend to celebrate together. The past few years my mom hasn’t been here to make the trip with us. However, our very first trip to the dunes without her we brought her ashes and shared a very indescribable and heartfelt moment together as a family. That was one of her favorite places in the world and we wanted to make sure that she would always be there with us. We did and I will never forget embracing that time with my brothers and dad.

Dunes lake pic

This year is the first year we are not making the trip. It is sort of bittersweet. Nick and Nathan have football and are unable to come home. So Dad and I decided to part from our trip and make other plans. It isn’t the same up there without the whole family. I will greatly miss experiencing the sparkling fireworks over the great big sand dunes reflecting into the beautiful lake. It is truly a sight to see. I realize in my heart it has never been the same since I have been there without my mom. I don’t think it ever will be. Our memories there are so good that I can’t help but always ache for her to be there with me. Maybe a change in direction and taking a different trip will be good for me. I am not sure yet.

There’s something about summer that has become very hard for me. My mom loved the sunshine, flowers, butterflies, bonfires, cookouts, rollerblading and taking family trips. My summers still consist of all of those activities but each one feels different without her. I know she would want me to enjoy all of her favorite things, even without her. I try to remind myself of that often.

There are many times that I fear doing so. I create this image in my mind that it is not right to enjoy my life without her. It brings guilt to my heart because as much as I do believe she wants me to be happy; it hurts me to be happy without her. I am assuming that anyone who has ever lost someone close to them could in some way relate to that feeling. There are people who believe fear is a bad feeling to have. Throughout my journey with and without my mom I have come to a point where I strongly disagree.

Fear can be a beautiful thing. It can resemble what you have and what you don’t want to lose. It can signify what you had and what you are scared to go on without. In order to inquire those feelings one must have loved and loved deeply. That is exactly what I have felt and feel about my mom. I am not ashamed to fear my life without her in a sense. It is proof of how important she was and always will be to me.

We have to find healthy ways to live and cope with fear. I believe I have. I acknowledge my own personal fears, I am aware of them and I overcome them each and every day. To me, that is what is real. I do not envy a person who claims to live without any fear. This world can be a very scary place, it is unpredictable. And let’s be honest we aren’t superheroes.

Taylor Swift quote

So, basically this post is meant to be real. Today I am sad. Today I miss my mom so badly. And today I live with some fear, because no matter how bad I want to spend my weekend with her…and no matter what I would give to take a trip to the sand dunes with her to watch the fireworks; I can’t.