I fell asleep last night with so much love in my heart. Although sadness filled my body anticipating a day I could never forget I reminded myself once again that it doesn’t take a day to remember losing my mom. More importantly it doesn’t take a day to remember how incredible and beautiful she was and how special she will always be in my life.
Sometimes my heart feels so much pain from missing her that it feels like it is going to stop beating.
I never knew pain like this until Friday, April 26, 2013. A day that changed my life forever.
No matter how hard I try this journey it is one that I will never understand, a long the way many inspiring and beautiful things have happened and changed before me. I have continued to work hard, seek God and never stop believing. I am so thankful for the everlasting gift I have received, the day I was born as the daughter of the sweetest, kindest and most loving soul I will ever meet.
Today, tomorrow and until my last day I will spend my life sharing the love and passion I learned from my mother. My heart is heavy and a little lost for words thinking of the three year passing of her death.
I can’t sleep again. Every night before I fall asleep I get lost in my thoughts of you. I think about the last morning I spent with you. I think about the conversation we had, the hugs we shared and the last time you called me on the phone that afternoon. I miss you calling me.
I always get lost replaying the good memories we shared. But then it ultimately leads me to the moment I saw you and realized you might be gone. Your body was so still and calm, yet mine was frantic and terrified. I almost ran away, you know. I almost left the house because I was so scared. I hate that moment. It taunts me.
The night I should hardly remember details of still replays over and over in my mind. The frightening and paralyzingly moments and words will not leave my body. Truth is, I don’t know if I want them to. I pray and I have asked and begged for peace. I have only considered asking God to take away the vivid and painful memories, the thoughts that enter my dreams and wake me up, I will be sweating and consciously can feel my body aching head to toe. These dreams happen frequently, sometimes multiple times in one week.
Some people don’t even know I still feel like this, or probably ever did. How could they not? They didn’t know you like I do, mom. They didn’t fight for you and love you in the unconditional way I do.
I always took the pain for you, it wasn’t even an option. Your worth it and that doesn’t change now. I don’t want to lose any of my thoughts and memories with you. Not even the terrifying ones that cause deep and piercing grief to my body.
Today was April first. Mom, I hate April so much. I hate the month I lost you almost just as much as I hate the day I lost you…