The moments pass by like waves. They’re powerful and unforgiving. They can also be harmful but somehow beautiful. Sometimes the waves feel like a blur…

You try to get use to the feeling of your new normal, and reminding yourself that you are doing ok because you still continue on day by day, even if it is with great hesitation… You really can’t predict the next strong “wave” that will come your way and even if you could, there is truly no preparing for it.

Sometimes you can’t understand where it is coming from but you still feel it so intensely. A hard part about these waves is when others can’t see it, can’t feel it, can’t relate and there aren’t enough words express the hard rush of such void.

It’s an unfamiliar and unknown place for a lot of people. I am happy for them, I really am. Though at times I can’t help but let jealousy overtake me for what others have or still get to experience. There is bitterness for those that choose to not embrace what I no longer can have. It makes my whole body ache.

Today the wave is overtaking me. It is somewhat frightening to feel this sad but as strange as it is to say, at this point I’d miss the unfamiliarity of loss, death and grieving because I fear that means the pain of losing her had somehow become dull, and I will never see that day.

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