Waves

The moments pass by like waves. They’re powerful and unforgiving. They can also be harmful but somehow beautiful. Sometimes the waves feel like a blur…

You try to get use to the feeling of your new normal, and reminding yourself that you are doing ok because you still continue on day by day, even if it is with great hesitation… You really can’t predict the next strong “wave” that will come your way and even if you could, there is truly no preparing for it.

Sometimes you can’t understand where it is coming from but you still feel it so intensely. A hard part about these waves is when others can’t see it, can’t feel it, can’t relate and there aren’t enough words express the hard rush of such void.

It’s an unfamiliar and unknown place for a lot of people. I am happy for them, I really am. Though at times I can’t help but let jealousy overtake me for what others have or still get to experience. There is bitterness for those that choose to not embrace what I no longer can have. It makes my whole body ache.

Today the wave is overtaking me. It is somewhat frightening to feel this sad but as strange as it is to say, at this point I’d miss the unfamiliarity of loss, death and grieving because I fear that means the pain of losing her had somehow become dull, and I will never see that day.

“Together Forever”

I had a busy weekend cleaning. In the midst of continuing to try to move my belongings from the last 22 years I came across so many reminders of you. Not that I needed them, I always am thinking of you, but for some reason I do always find great comfort in the pain that comes from grieving over everything that reminds me of you. Maybe because it’s the biggest reminder, proof and evidence of what I shared with you. It helps to calm me and relieve my soul that it isn’t empty and lonely because of what I was able to have with you. I am so grateful for all the memories. All the hidden treasures you left behind for me; every little piece is so sacred and could never be replaced.

There were many tears today and even though I think the world thinks I may have found my strength, that I have somehow found a way to “move on” I know its not true. I still hurt, I cry, and I still scream, for you. How could I not? Look what I’ve lost. Even after a few years, I don’t think I believe in moving on. Not from people you love, the people you’ve lost. Not from the friendships you share. I am not good at moving on. I hold on. I appreciate and value the depth of what I’ve shared with the people I love and it just never goes away. I think that is both a gift and a curse. It is hard because there are many emotions involved with holding on.

I found a note from you today. Your handwriting, so beautiful and neat, just like you. The note ended with “Together Forever.” Those words never hurt so bad, mom because I needed you here with me… I suddenly felt angry and rejected. It wasn’t fair; it will never be fair… I finally led myself over to one of my favorite books.

My devotion today… “I AM YOUR STRENGTH AND SHIELD. I plan out each day and have it ready for you long before you arise from bed. I also provide the strength you need each step of the way. Instead of assessing your energy level and wondering about what’s on the road ahead, concentrate on staying in touch with me. My power flows freely into you through our open communication. Refuse to waste energy worrying, and you will have strength to spare. Whenever you start to feel afraid, remember that I am your shield. But unlike inanimate armor, I am always alert and active. My presence watches over you continually, protecting you from both known and unknown dangers. Entrust yourself to my watch care which is the best security system available. I am with you and will always watch over you wherever you go.”

I am thankful I opened my devotional this evening. After a rough day, I felt defeated. I felt hyper sensitive to my surroundings and desperate for all the things I once found comfort in. Exactly what I needed was a reminder from my God that all I truly need is him. It is so easy to become distracted, to get off track. To stray away from him, from who you are and make mistakes. I have been there many times. My heart now cries for the glory of grace and the endless care from the presence of Jesus Christ. Maybe that’s why I can’t learn to move on. Maybe he has taught me to love like him, unconditionally.

 I miss you tonight, mom, as I miss you always. I wish you were here to share this evening with me, but I know you are so close and will always be within my heart. One day, we will be together again, forever and ever. I hold on to that day, it gives me hope and peace. I rejoice in being “Together Forever.”