I Still Catch Myself Walking Around to Find You.

Time keeps passing by. The days get further and further away. But the way that I feel, the terrible ache and desire in my heart, it doesn’t go away. No, not even with time – not with days, not even with weeks.

I just had my third Christmas without you here with me. Can you believe it? This still feels like a nightmare. It just doesn’t seem right. Someone so deserving, so precious, so pure. Someone like you. How could it be? I have no answers, just thoughts and questions that run constant throughout my head.

I am still waiting. Waiting for the day I will wake up and realize it couldn’t be true. That I didn’t lose you, because I couldn’t.

My voice replays over and over again in my mind. Me begging out loud or possibly trying to convince myself, that I could never lose you.

This past weekend I was very sad. Sad to spend another holiday without you.

I came across this poem. I cried and cried reading the words over and over again.

I missed you every hour. And you know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. I’d catch myself just walking around to find you, not for any reason, just out of habit, because I’d seen something that I wanted to tell you about or because I wanted to hear your voice. And then I’d realize that you weren’t there anymore, and every time, every single time, it was like having the wind knocked out of me. – Leigh Bardugo

I still catch myself walking around to find you. And I get so mad at myself because how in the heck could I forget. How could I fail to remember the pain that I live with day in and day out?  I suppose I don’t.

What I remember so vividly, like it was just yesterday, is how beautiful your sweet love was. How lovely the sound of your voice was. How incredible the feel of  your touch was. The wonders of your words of wisdom and the way you always listened with compassion.

I remind myself how blessed I will always be to have a mother like you and that is what always gives me strength to carry on.

But, I miss your love, your voice, your touch, your wisdom and compassion. I miss everything about you, so SO much. I am your girl, always.

Dream of Joy

Last night before I went to bed I really tried to relax my mind and body. I drank my nightly tea, lit a lavender candle and massaged my wrist and feet with my  aromatherapy essential oils. I was in desperate need of a good night’s rest. As always, I was thinking about my mom… All the joy having her in my life would bring and what I would do to have the opportunity to share my life with her again. It is very difficult being a young women without her mother. So, I quickly decided to pray. I knew my mind would not stop racing of thoughts about her, which typically put me in a pretty sad place before bedtime. This would almost always result in me having bad dreams about losing her.

I asked the Lord to give me peace, to calm my mind, body and heart. I thanked him for his mercy and grace. I proceeded in asking him to send me a message or give me peaceful dreams where I could enjoy my mom and she could enjoy me. I was pleasantly surprised when I woke up in the morning. I had a night of beautiful dreams and not only did I get to enjoy my mom, but my brothers did as well.

We were on vacation; me, mom and the boys. She took us to this incredible outdoor mall. We all helped her pick out a bathing suit and a stunning blue dress. I had never seen mom that beautiful, she was glowing, healthy and full of pure joy. We shared many laughs together and proceeded with shopping until we all had new bathing suits and nice dress clothes. She was taking us somewhere special for dinner.

When we arrived to this exotic fun place on the beach, she told us to hop out. We were all in her jeep cruising around with the top off. We walked up together and they had fun dancing music playing. This was the perfect place for our mom. It was a warm beautiful night, everything felt so good. We talked and laughed some more eating lobster and other sea food dishes. We were all so happy to be together.

When I woke up in the morning, I almost felt relieved. I was so thankful for the dream I had. I couldn’t help but wish for a day like that here, right now, on this earth. But I quickly reminded myself of the gift of eternal life. With moments like having such a joyful dream, I have no doubt that my mom is up dancing away in perfect paradise and warm weather. In a place called heaven. I  also know that someday when the Lord calls us all home, we too will be there and our mom will welcome us with open arms. I am anxious for that day. We miss dearly you our beautiful mom, so stinking much.