What is Hope?

I have finally come to a point in my life where I believe in a bold statement that I’d like to share with you. It is my hope; no cliché intended that someday you might believe in these words too. Please take a moment to truly think about the deep significance of this sentence:

Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.

The words are strong and for some the six words might be incredibly difficult to believe that they could be true. But I can tell you from my own personal experience, the words “once you choose hope, anything’s possible” can be real and true. It may take the toughest fight you’ve ever experienced and I think you have to be willing to let hope exist in your life no matter what you are facing. You also must make the choice to believe that with hope there is no circumstance, amount of heartache or darkness you cannot overcome.

I was in a place in my life, shortly before losing my mother where I could see myself losing hope. Watching the person I loved the very most suffer with immense pain and heartache knowing there was nothing I could do to take away the physical and emotional pain became very trying after the many years we faced this together.

I wanted to believe more than anything that we would get through it; that we would come out better and stronger from this battle. I really wanted to. But it became so hard and people began to doubt us and doubt her. Having hope was almost a chore. It was extremely exhausting. However, I will tell you that until the day I lost my wonderful mom, I never lost my hope.

The night I lost her, my life truly came crashing down. I felt nothing but emptiness, confusion and heartache. I couldn’t understand how we could have struggled for this long remaining faithful to reach this point. That point that we would no longer be side by side; fighting this battle together. She was now in a better place, in peace and paradise. But I was left here, to suffer and pick up the pieces of my heartache and life. I didn’t want to. I had no desire to fight the battle without her. The moment I knew she would no longer be living with me in my world, I honestly lost hope.

With time (months and months) that included a lot of crying and soul searching. With great friendships, my faith in the Lord and my incredible family (my dad and brothers), I found a way to choose hope. It wasn’t easy and I would never want to relive that period of time in my life.

This is a complete understatement, but I was left with two choices: I could give up or I could continue on.

hope pic 1

There were points where giving up felt like the better option. There were moments that no matter what anyone said to me, no matter how much hope they had in me that I would get through this that I felt there was no possible way. In part, I think that maybe hitting that “rock bottom” is a way to solidify the true hope we need as human beings when our world has changed and our hearts are left feeling devastated and broken.

I can’t exactly explain what did it for me. What made me reach this exact point, but I will share with you that it took several rock bottom moments. I had a few moments where I almost scared myself with how terrible and empty I was feeling to reach the opportunity of choosing hope. I came to realize that if I didn’t choose hope and wanted to live I was going to be very miserable. Not only was I going to be miserable but so were the people around me. This is something I never wanted.

I have two amazing brothers who are younger than me. They looked up to me and depended on my strength and love to continue on without our mom. I knew that I needed to find the strength for not only myself but for them because they needed me. I couldn’t give up because I couldn’t give up on them. What an incredible love that is to feel. To love someone (in my case my two brothers) more than I could ever love myself. That was a huge motivator for me to overcome this dark place that almost became comfortable for me to be in.

I would encourage anyone who has ever felt or dealt with something similar to do the same as I did. Find something/someone, whatever/whoever it may be and let them be a reason to not give up. Allow yourself to feel the love and joy that exists for the reason of that person or thing and make the decision to not give up on that feeling. That is exactly what I did. I reasoned with myself that “yes I had lost my mom and it was miserable,” but that I had other wonderful things in my life that made it worth living. But not only that, it made it worth living with hope. Someday, with patience, healing and a lot of work I would feel love and joy again because it did still exist in my life. I believe the same can happen for you.

hope pic 2

2 thoughts on “What is Hope?

  1. With Father’s Day being tomorrow one of my friends from school sent me the link to your blog. My dad took his own life 9 years ago and I am amazed by how well you have put your emotions into words with the hope of helping others, to this day I still struggle to talk about my dad and what I’ve gone through. I can relate to a lot of what you have talked about and the butterfly theme makes my heart hurt but in a good way. At my dad’s funeral his best friend took me outside and handed me a small pink box with a bow on top. When I opened it out flew a single white butterfly and he promised me that every time I saw one it was my dad “just checking in”. Now whenever I see one I stop dead in my tracks. I don’t know if it is really him or not and some of my friends think I am crazy but I feel it in my heart and that is all that matters. It gives me hope and something to believe in!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wanted to reply to your comment on my blog. I am not sure if you will see this because you posted anonymously, which I completely understand. I just wanted to share with you, that you reaching out to me is a huge blessing to me! I truly hope that some of my words have brought you some sort of comfort tonight & tomorrow. I know how painful Mother’s Day is for me. I want more than anything to share the day with my mom & let her know how special she is to me. But I can’t. I actually still spend the day doing something for her and always will. She loved flowers & I now spend Mother’s Day each year planting a beautiful flower garden in her memory. I talk to her also, all of the time. I am so happy you shared your very own butterfly story with me. Thank you. I believe that is your dad. How incredible, he comes to check in. He is always with you and always will be. Please, keep checking my blog. You will be in my prayers! Keep up the hope! Love, Randi

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