Self-Pity is Our Worst Enemy

Never allow yourself to fall within a state of self-pity.

I think that’s where people start to go wrong. But it really is so easy to do. Especially when things are falling apart and nothing seems to be going your way. It is very tempting to feel as if it might be acceptable to have self-pity. And maybe it is. However, it is important and possibly crucial to stop and think about what types of habits develop for the state of feeling sorry for our selves. Because when we do it can become a vicious cycle.

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In part why I am writing this blog is because today I am having a bad day. I couldn’t sleep last night and I couldn’t have been more exhausted. Which doesn’t make sense does it?

Insomnia is something I have became quite familiar with unfortunately. Although I have found some useful aids to assist me with coping with this over the course of the last few years. A few in which I want to share with you: I have found relief from natural oils such as lavender, listening to ambient music and taking the supplement melatonin.

Anyway back to this bad day of mine and how easily I could’ve fallen into a state of self-pity.

I had an important doctor’s appointment this morning. I was really hoping for some answers in which I didn’t get. I have been restless and anxious all day. I am still coping with a long list of symptoms from mono and trying to focus on my exam reviews for finals. Oh, and in the midst of this two days ago I dealt with the two-year anniversary of my mother’s death. AND I should be getting excited for graduation. These thoughts probably seem like a bunch of complaints huh? Well, they are the reality of my day.

I stop by my favorite coffee shop because I am in desperate need of a ”pick me up” aka caffeine. The cute gal at the counter is making my coffee when she asks: “how is your day”? I smile and reply something like “just studying for finals and then I’ll be graduating, yay! How are you?” She quickly replies… “Is your mom so proud of you and excited that you are graduating on Mother’s Day” (You can tell she’s overjoyed for me.)

STAB. Just like that…my heart hurt so badly. And I know she didn’t mean it; of course she didn’t know any better.

I debated my reaction, but apparently it was obvious enough. Right there in that moment, on this very day I could easily have became angry and I could have justified feeling sorry for myself. And probably rightfully so.

Truthfully, today hasn’t seemed like a very fair day. However, I refuse to have that sort of attitude, although, it didn’t happen overnight for me. I probably haven’t shown the outside world the side of me that truly felt sorry for myself at one time but I lived within that state. It was full of darkness and heartache. And it was lonely.

So as much as I wanted to drop to the ground in the coffee shop or scream POOR ME… I wiped the tear from my eye and I smiled at the sweet girl who handed me my coffee apologizing. I begged her to not feel sorry for me and I told her how blessed I am for the time I did have with my mom and that of course she will be so proud of me on Mother’s Day when she watches me walk at my graduation commencement from heaven.

Life can be so incredibly difficult, but there is so much beauty even in the most difficult of days. Today is just one of the many ways God continues to show me that there is no reason to have self-pity and that is why I wanted to share my “bad day” with you.

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Two Years

Two years.

I wondered what today would feel like. I started to really anticipate this day when my calendar hit April. But long before then was I anxious for it. As soon as I had realized she was not coming back to me I became scared for this day because I wasn’t sure how I would make it two whole years without her next to me or if I even cared to. If this sounds dramatic than you may have never lost someone that you loved with ever piece of your heart; A person who made each day a better day for you. The person who made your life feel complete. That was my mom.

Which brings me to explain to you how I am feeling… You wait for the calendar to hit the 26th day of April. Like you need some sort of reminder that she’s gone, that you’ve lost her life and that it’s been two unbearable years without her. But do you? Of course not. You don’t need those reminders because you live with them each and everyday. The reminders are constant and it doesn’t take a certain day or time. They aren’t planned and even if they were it couldn’t possibly make them any easier or anymore difficult to cope with.

Everything feels still. There is no motion around me. I sit in silence. All sounds are mute to my ears. There is simply one thing I desire to see and one noise I desire to hear. It is her. But the reality is, two years ago on this very day was the last time I could wake up on this earth to seeing the beautiful face that I desire so much. It was the last time she would walk around talking to me and distracting me as I was trying to get ready to run out the door for work. I loved our mornings. It was always so hard to leave her. We would get into conversation and sidetracked easily. It became a bad habit that I would regularly leave the house late and speed off to work trying to make it on time. I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything.

If I could go back in time I would make each one of those moments last longer. I would squeeze her a little tighter, listen to her words more closely and embrace all the wonderful things that only she could give me.

I have learned throughout the past two years that I have not faced this time without my mom. That in her own special way she still gives me the guidance and love I desire. It may not always feel like enough because I know what I have had with her but it is something and for that I am extremely grateful.

I look up at the sky and talk to you. What I wouldn’t give to hear you talk back. But sometimes if I am patient and I closely listen I can feel you in my heart guiding me in the direction you believe I should go. You send me messages of comfort when you know I need them the most. But you have also helped me to not only rely on you but to build my own strength so that I know I can do it without you. Because as painful as it is, we both know I have to. I miss your voice. I miss your laughter. I miss your crazy (but awesome) dance moves. I miss everything about you. I wish you could teach me to cook. Someday tell me how beautiful I am in my wedding dress. Help me be a mother when I have my own babies. I am so scared for all of those things without you. But I believe the love between a mother and daughter is forever and that everywhere I am there you will be…

forever

I truly feel as if I am the most blessed young woman in this world because you are my mother. Words cannot express the love I have for you mom. I hope through the way I continue to live my life you will see. The sun is shining for you today. Just maybe I will see a butterfly and if I do, I know it will be you.

I love you mom.

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Our Dreams Together

I had a dream about you last night mom. Well actually this is the 7th night in the row I’ve dreamt of you, isn’t that something? It truly is.

I love seeing your beautiful face in my dreams. I love the things we still experience together and the way it feels to know you are still there.

There is one part I don’t love; it is something I still struggle with. Though I am getting better. I know it is not worth the sacrifice of losing you in my dreams too. Maybe it’s you who is helping me. I can believe that. I think you enjoy our dreams together too.

The time is perfect between us just as it always was. We laugh and share our favorite stories with each other and you help me with the things I need your guidance with. But each time I dream of you, I lose you before I wake up.

It’s awful; I hate to replay the emotions of losing you. Living with the feelings each and everyday is hard enough. So I wake up and it sucks (I know you hated that word). But trust me mom it does and there’s no other way to put it. Because it is the reality and I can’t pretend. You’re not here but I already knew that.

And it is so beautiful out today. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and I would love nothing more than for you to make me my first cup of coffee for the day as you always would. I just want to talk to you. I want to tell you all about graduation approaching, we could possibility go for a rollerblade at the park together, and maybe we could have that dinner we never had the chance to… I get lost in these thoughts, the hope of them and then I realize I am dreaming again.

It becomes overwhelming quick. I need some fresh air. So, I walk outside and sit out on the back patio. Did I mention how gorgeous it is out today? I just want to feel you in my presence.

These were your favorite days. I take a few moments to just breathe and tears fill my face. My heart can’t help but just ache for you. But I remind myself that I will be ok; because you will guide me and give me the comfort I need day by day. You’ve proven that to me, even when it felt impossible. Many many days have felt impossible without you, but somehow someway I am still here and I am ok. I have become so strong and for that I know you are proud.

Going through the experience of losing my mom has taught me how important it is to stop and reflect. You should remind yourself of where you were, where you are and where you want to be. This strategy helps during the most difficult of times because it is a way to almost evaluate your life in a positive way. It is proof to yourself that you can and will continue to strive to move forward and make it through moments and days that literally feel impossible. Trust me I have been there. Please know by saying ‘move forward’ I do not mean move on. I actually firmly believe you do not need to move on to heal. I have come to the realization that I will never move on from my mom and nor do I want to. The thing is why would I?

I will move forward, as she would want me to but I will always carry her with me. She will always be a part of me, who I am and what I do.

One of the most hurtful things that people have said to me throughout this experience was referring to “moving on from my mom.” I am not an aggressive person (at all), but I will tell you there were a few moments where I could have slapped people in the face for saying this to me. I hope you understand.

When things become overwhelming quick for you. Stop. Take a moment, just as I did this morning, to allow yourself to reflect. It is healthy. Do something that brings you comfort; whatever that might be.

Maybe like me you enjoy stepping outside to feel the fresh air. There’s something about it that has always been very calming to me. I also enjoy exercising, writing or being around people I love when I am feeling this way. But be sure to focus your energy on taking a moment to reflect in a POSITIVE way and if you are going to do something let it be POSITIVE. I have been there, where I hurt so bad that I did not want to do anything positive. Rather I wanted to do things that were negative, things I had never done before. Don’t let that be you. It truly isn’t worth it and it does not make you feel better.

It is my hope to encourage you to see in yourself that you are one step further today than you were yesterday. Even if yesterday felt impossible…it was worth it because you made it here today and today is a beautiful day.

 

Good for Your Soul

One month from today will be my 22nd birthday. One month from today is also mother’s day. This will be the third birthday and mother’s day I have spent without my mom. One month from today will also be the day after my college graduation. And then I made it. Four years straight I buckled down and made it. The commitment wasn’t easy with the adversities I faced but it is finally really happening. So much coming up so very soon. It feels very surreal typing this.

It seems to me like I should have started to see the light right? I should start to feel some sort of weight lifting from my little shoulders… That’s what I’d hoped.

There were many times I recall asking myself “how can I keep doing this?”

The end of my college journey has been anything but easy for me but then again what part of the four years was easy. The past few weeks have been trying. I thought I could share with you a little bit of what I have been going through.

The past few weeks, I have been sick; very sick. One virus after another and mono. Dreadful mono. What a bummer and terrible timing. I was already over my head and exhausted finishing up my last overwhelming semester of college. At the same time I have been working hard to start off my career and become comfortable at a new job. Only one month to go and the past several weeks I have spent feeling hopelessly drained.

To start, two weeks ago I took a day off work. Yes; a full work day. For anyone who knows me, this is definitely not the norm. I slept all day long. My body was exhausted. It happened to be on a Friday and I ended up sleeping away the whole weekend. However, I still did not feel ANY better. From there things went down hill for me. As I am typing this post, I have still not been back to work but I hope to be after the following week.

I had to learn a couple valuable lessons these past few weeks. It was a little bit of a reality check!

People do have limits. Our bodies do need rest. And one person can only take so much.

Four years had come crashing down on me. I was anticipating a break, some sort of relief but was also scared for it. What happens when I slow down? Will I be okay? What will I do with my time? What will make me happy? The questions consumed my head.

And I miss my mom; oh I miss her terribly. And with it coming up on two years after her death, my 22nd birthday, another Mother’s day, my college graduation… all WITHOUT her it was too much. I was tired… my body was sick and I needed a break.

The real kicker is I am no good at breaks. They just haven’t existed for me. But this time something was different, I could feel it in myself that I desperately needed this break because I wasn’t willing to give up everything I had worked so hard to achieve. Of course giving up is always an option for anyone but it has never and will never be my choice.

butterfly dont give up

As we all know life is full of choices. We are forced to make decisions throughout the course of our lives. Some of those choices may bring us repercussions, satisfaction or even consequences.

That all said, a piece of my mother’s best advice was to always follow your heart and to be willing to accept wherever the place is that it leads you to. And that is the exact advice I decided to follow. Even my heart felt weak. All I could do was cry. I went to my doctor’s appointment and she asked me what was wrong. I replied something like every part of me hurts and it was the truth. Of course then I proceeded to explain to her medically what was going on with my body but it was confirmation to myself that I really did need some time to rest and refocus.

So what is the purpose of this post? It’s simple.

The purpose of this post is to reach out to the people who can relate to the feelings of not knowing when enough is enough. The people who don’t exactly know their limits (and I do not mean that in a bad way). I actually think it is a gift. I think that throughout each of our individual journeys we must take time for our mind, heart, body and self. I will be the first to admit, I am not good at that. But maybe together we can work on it.

I have made a new commitment to myself, I can’t wait to share it with you…

“Whatever is good for your soul, do that.”

I’d like to end this post by asking you what is good for your soul? What keeps you going and brings you an abundance of joy? Please share with me!!! 🙂 I hope this week you will take some time for yourself and enjoy whatever it is that is GOOD FOR YOU.

You deserve it!

Until next time,

Randi

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