Time is a funny thing isn’t it? Sometimes we find time that passes by very quickly; too quickly. Yet, time can also drag on and things around us can make it seem as if time is passing by extremely slow. I am certain we have all experienced a moment we wish could last forever. On the flip side, who hasn’t experienced a day (or days!) that feels as if it’ll never end. Or what about when you are waiting for something that you’ve really been looking forward to? Time sure feels slow then too; doesn’t it?
Regardless, one thing I have had to learn the hard way is that time is invaluable.
The time we once had we will never have again. There is no price tag on time. There is no amount of money in this world that can ever buy us the time we desire; no matter how bad we want it. Trust me, I’ve wanted time desperately. I have cried and screamed for it and I’ve even found myself begging for it. The hardest one for me was praying for more time.
But why? Shouldn’t I have found it easy to talk to God about anything? Honestly this concept is one I have felt hung up on and struggled immensely with. It has even made me angry…very angry at times. I could not understand why and how if I wanted something so desperately that he could not just give it to me.
“Didn’t I deserve to have more time with her?”
It is very possible that I still haven’t found the answer to my questions; maybe I never will. However, I have come to a place where I am beginning to realize that I have to be okay with not having an answer for everything. No matter how bad I want it. And trust me, more than anything I’d like to have the answers…
I have spent hours, days and sleepless nights searching for the answers in hope that somehow in some way they could ease my pain. But truthfully, could they? Would ANY answer ever be good enough?
Thinking this way is easier said than done and is in part one of the reasons why I have waited to start this blog. As soon as I lost my mom, I knew that I would need to find a way to keep her alive through me. I knew that I would have the desire to use my testimony and heartache to reach out to others.
However, it takes time to even begin the steps of processing when facing a life changing experience like I have. For so long I knew I wasn’t ready and realized that I had to cope with this devastating loss at my own pace. I questioned myself countless times: if I could not process the feelings I was experiencing and how it was truly impacting my life… How was I going to be in a place to share my story? I wasn’t.
I knew that I needed to find a way to grasp what had actually happened to my life; that process took months for me. I then needed to learn how to accept that she was not coming back to me. Truthfully, for the first year I could not bare to admit this to myself. For some that might seem a bit outrageous, but for me it almost seemed normal. I was waiting for her, whether anyone knew it or not, because I could not cope with the feelings of being without her.
Dealing with this experience I had to learn self-patience. I have now realized that patience is a divine necessity in this life. I have found that having patience is truly a requirement and at the same time a blessing to the characteristics of a loving human being. I gave myself patience in order to process, grieve and begin the steps of healing so that I was completely ready to fully embrace what I was determined to do. I am very thankful for the deep reward that came from the commitment of having patience with myself. I learned more than ever who I was as an individual and that I was capable of more than I could have ever imagined.
It is my hope that now that I have I have taken some time to truly reflect on the past two years of my life that I am able to share the experiences I have gone through, the emotions I have felt and the battles I have fought. One of the hardest parts for me during this journey was feeling alone. This is something that in part I should probably take some blame for. I felt as if no one could possibly understand me. I had lost my mother and best friend. I was bitter and I did NOT want to show this side of me to the outside world. For me, it was easier to feel alone. But the truth is, I never was alone and that is exactly why I have come this far.
I want my blog to become a place of refuge for people; a place to read words of encouragement. So if you happen to feel a little like I did and you feel as if you are alone. I want to be your reminder that you are not alone.
This world can get so busy. People have jobs, families, and responsibilities. It is often times a struggle to make time for the things and people who need us most. But I am here to reassure you that whatever it is that you are experiencing, what you feel is real and it is important. It is my goal to create Hope of a Butterfly to become a support system for those in need of one, for whatever the reason might be. It will continue to be a priority of mine to reach out in ways that come to my heart so that you are never alone.