Time.

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Time is a funny thing isn’t it? Sometimes we find time that passes by very quickly; too quickly. Yet, time can also drag on and things around us can make it seem as if time is passing by extremely slow. I am certain we have all experienced a moment we wish could last forever. On the flip side, who hasn’t experienced a day (or days!) that feels as if it’ll never end. Or what about when you are waiting for something that you’ve really been looking forward to? Time sure feels slow then too; doesn’t it?

Regardless, one thing I have had to learn the hard way is that time is invaluable.

The time we once had we will never have again. There is no price tag on time. There is no amount of money in this world that can ever buy us the time we desire; no matter how bad we want it. Trust me, I’ve wanted time desperately. I have cried and screamed for it and I’ve even found myself begging for it. The hardest one for me was praying for more time.

But why? Shouldn’t I have found it easy to talk to God about anything? Honestly this concept is one I have felt hung up on and struggled immensely with. It has even made me angry…very angry at times.  I could not understand why and how if I wanted something so desperately that he could not just give it to me.

“Didn’t I deserve to have more time with her?”

It is very possible that I still haven’t found the answer to my questions; maybe I never will. However, I have come to a place where I am beginning to realize that I have to be okay with not having an answer for everything. No matter how bad I want it. And trust me, more than anything I’d like to have the answers…

I have spent hours, days and sleepless nights searching for the answers in hope that somehow in some way they could ease my pain. But truthfully, could they? Would ANY answer ever be good enough?

Thinking this way is easier said than done and is in part one of the reasons why I have waited to start this blog. As soon as I lost my mom, I knew that I would need to find a way to keep her alive through me. I knew that I would have the desire to use my testimony and heartache to reach out to others.

However, it takes time to even begin the steps of processing when facing a life changing experience like I have. For so long I knew I wasn’t ready and realized that I had to cope with this devastating loss at my own pace. I questioned myself countless times: if I could not process the feelings I was experiencing and how it was truly impacting my life… How was I going to be in a place to share my story? I wasn’t.

I knew that I needed to find a way to grasp what had actually happened to my life; that process took months for me. I then needed to learn how to accept that she was not coming back to me. Truthfully, for the first year I could not bare to admit this to myself. For some that might seem a bit outrageous, but for me it almost seemed normal. I was waiting for her, whether anyone knew it or not, because I could not cope with the feelings of being without her.

Dealing with this experience I had to learn self-patience. I have now realized that patience is a divine necessity in this life. I have found that having patience is truly a requirement and at the same time a blessing to the characteristics of a loving human being. I gave myself patience in order to process, grieve and begin the steps of healing so that I was completely ready to fully embrace what I was determined to do. I am very thankful for the deep reward that came from the commitment of having patience with myself. I learned more than ever who I was as an individual and that I was capable of more than I could have ever imagined.

It is my hope that now that I have I have taken some time to truly reflect on the past two years of my life that I am able to share the experiences I have gone through, the emotions I have felt and the battles I have fought. One of the hardest parts for me during this journey was feeling alone. This is something that in part I should probably take some blame for. I felt as if no one could possibly understand me. I had lost my mother and best friend. I was bitter and I did NOT want to show this side of me to the outside world. For me, it was easier to feel alone. But the truth is, I never was alone and that is exactly why I have come this far.

I want my blog to become a place of refuge for people; a place to read words of encouragement. So if you happen to feel a little like I did and you feel as if you are alone. I want to be your reminder that you are not alone.

This world can get so busy. People have jobs, families, and responsibilities. It is often times a struggle to make time for the things and people who need us most. But I am here to reassure you that whatever it is that you are experiencing, what you feel is real and it is important. It is my goal to create Hope of a Butterfly to become a support system for those in need of one, for whatever the reason might be. It will continue to be a priority of mine to reach out in ways that come to my heart so that you are never alone.

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I believe in Impact

Impact is defined, “the action of one object coming forcibly into contact with another.”

I believe that people, things, moments and events come into contact with each and every human being throughout the course of this life. I also believe we all experience multiple forms of Impact… both big and small. I believe that Impact has a great effect on who we are, how we feel, and the way we choose to behave. Finally, I feel as though Impact can influence what we believe as well as the faith we choose to live with (or without) each and every day.

Ever since I was a little girl I have had a burning desire deep within my heart to help people. I have always wanted to make a difference and have some sort of lasting Impact (Sounds clique, I know, but seriously!). I took it upon myself to make this a personal goal of mine. Still until this very day I reflect back on the promise my mom helped me write in my very first diary. “I promise to always help others.” I never wanted to forget this goal of mine.

I will always believe in going out of my way to reach out to others; especially those in need. I have never found inconvenience as a valid excuse to not make time for others. Starting at a very young age this habit sort of became a routine for me. For those who know me best, they might call this my weakness.

However, I have always smiled at their comments and recognized the behavior as my own personal strength.

I recall a very special instance, all the way back in kindergarten, where I had the opportunity to be student of the week. With this responsibility came many privileges, such as choosing a friend to share the role of line leader with for the week. I had many close friends in my class, but I clearly remember one special boy’s name tugging on my heart that day.

Unlike me, he did not have very many friends. He was very shy and he struggled with school often. Even with my young innocence, I knew the chances were slim that anyone else in the class would choose him. I had discussed this young boy with my mom countless times before. She was who Impacted me to always follow my heart and do what I felt what right. With courage, I proudly called out his name not caring what anyone else thought or if any of my friends would be mad at me. My decision truly brought the most joy to my heart.

I remember thinking all day during school that I couldn’t wait to be home so that I could share this story with my mom. This was the behavior she always encouraged in our home. She explained to my brothers and I countless times while growing up to treat others the way we wanted to be treated.

My mom lived her life by this golden rule.

…Fast forward a decade and a half later: These past few years of my life have been a very difficult and tragic journey. It is one that I could have never imagined, not even in my worst of nightmare. I still find myself waking up feeling scared to realize this is really it.

I began facing this journey with my beautiful family almost five years ago. It breaks my heart to share with you that during this unexpected rollercoaster of a journey we lost my incredible mother at the end of April in 2013. Losing her has truly changed me; it has left me constantly feeling like a huge piece of me is missing.

The emptiness is so painful, even those words do not justify the feelings I have experienced.  I often find it a struggle to remember who I was before this happened to my life.

While it has been extremely difficult for me to come to a place where I feel comfortable admitting these emotions, I feel it is necessary and important for me to be real with how this life changing experience has affected me. I know my strength to the outside world has likely shown a much different side; regardless I am ready to share how this experience has truly Impacted me.

hope and impact

And that is precisely why Hope of a Butterfly is now in existence today.

I have the strongest desire to inspire and support others to live a better life; which is the sole purpose of this blog. I hope to share my testimony and ways of coping that can ultimately encourage healing. Nothing would fulfill me more than to spend my time helping people who feel “trapped” within an emotional state of tragedy for whatever reason (death, addiction, anxiety, depression, etc). I want to help individuals step by step in finding the light within their own personal darkness.

I truly believe my life was meant to serve a certain purpose and it is my dream to share my testimony and heart with as many people possible.  I want to give you hope in seeing the beauty that can transpire from the challenges and changes we experience in this sometimes very difficult life.

It is my dream to Impact YOU in ways that will allow you to have the faith it takes to overcome any journey that life may bring you.

Impact