Mother like daughter

I had a dream about you last night, it felt so real. It was a whirlwind of a dream, there were highs and lows, but you were there, a part of what felt like my very real life and that’s all I could ask for. I woke up thankful for the experience but also deeply saddened because it was a reminder to me just how great you are. Your presence in my dream was the genuine, fun-loving and determined woman that you are. So special and unique in all of your own ways. How did I get so lucky? That you’re my mom.

I was looking through some of my favorite photos of you and I found one that made me especially smile. THIS photo was one of many that reminded me how similar we are! It’s you and your Shasta girl.

Once again, I thank you for showing me the beautiful magic of unconditional love, the importance of treating others the way you want to be treated and the power of loyalty and always speaking the truth. You are the most wonderful soul and are never loved a drop less by me, your daughter and best friend forever. Our time was way too short but thanks to the good Lord I will see you again…❤️

My mom with her Yorkie, Shasta.

Forever Angel

Special delivery this morning meant a “hole” lot. 💜🍩🦋🐶🤗 April will always be a bittersweet month. The last month we shared together and obviously the month we lost her … The 26th will forever be a tough day that I dread reliving very tragic memories.

Each year I find that the days leading up to today are very emotional for me and once the calendar reaches 2 6, I do my best to find grace in the blessings of the fondest of memories I will ever have. To remember and celebrate the depth of pure love shared with my precious mom and our family.
Many may not realize that my mom had a Yorkie when she was in her 20’s. Her name was Shasta. When we were young Shasta was still around; she meant so much to my mom. I love my Obie so much too, partly because he truly reminds me of her. They never met but I talk to him about his “grandma” just like I will my own (human) children someday.
Her spirit will forever live on through me… my proudest endeavor is that I am her daughter [To my roots & my core]. My soul is deeply connected to that special beautiful woman I am lucky enough to call mom . . .

#mommasgirl #foreverangel #dancingwithangels #butterflykisses #everywhereiamthereyoullbe

Visiting You

When I imagine visiting you, it is in a place like this. Where I’d quickly be reminded that you are in a much better place surrounded by overwhelming beauty and blissful peace… In fact, it is solely based upon this that I can find comfort. For I’ve now learned that grief is really just love…It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. It’s all of the unspent time and everlasting love that creates a hollow space in your chest. Grief is love with no place to go. Next month is six years without you my beautiful angel…And yet each year that passes by without you, I still grow to become more and more like you. I am my mother’s daughter.lavendar 2

Compassion

Compassion is the ultimate expression of your highest self.

When I lost one of the greatest gifts God had ever given me, the woman who created me; I lost a part of myself. I knew I needed an experience that would shake me to remind me not of what I had lost but what I still had/have. I have always had a deep love for children & felt I could easily connect with their gentle hearts…I had also always wanted to take my faith to a deeper place by going on a mission trip. Thankfully, my wonderful friend Jerrica very much felt the same. We made the commitment to stay at a Children’s Orphanage in Honduras with a group of woman 4 years ago. One of the best decisions of my life. A bit fearful, I quickly realized in Honduras how blessed I was for growing up with the nurturing, compassionate, incredible mother I did. Though at 19, I lost her way too young. I had been loved in a way many innocent children are completely unfamiliar with. Who was I to be angry for what God had given me? Who was I to feel sorry for my heartache & pain? Though it is very sad & will always feel unfair, I have an everlasting gift in my life that some will never have. I’m grateful for embracing the unknown & touching the lives of so many deserving Honduran children.

YOUR PURPOSE IS GREATER THAN YOURSELF.

Tomorrow We Should Be Celebrating

It has occurred to me more times than I can bare to count that we should be celebrating together lately. I admit I feel blessed that I still have beautiful things happening in my life that I care to share with you and celebrate about. However, each good thing that happens still stings because you are not here with me in all the ways that I wish for you to be.

Today is July 22nd. Tomorrow is your birthday; your fourth birthday away from me here on earth. How can that be? Four years and so much has changed but then again so much hasn’t. I still reflect back… thinking how I managed to make it this long without you. It honestly doesn’t feel possible and I know many people cannot understand that but I don’t need them to. It still doesn’t feel real to me nor do I think that it ever will. The pain is just as deep and my questions have gone unanswered.

The date July 22nd will have great significance in my life very soon. Next year I plan to be married on this very day. It is such an overwhelming and amazing feeling but scary at the same time. Since I began the journey of love with this man I wanted to share him with you more than anything.

I knew you would appreciate his patience and presence in my life. I wanted to share with you his beautiful greenhouses and flowers. I know how much you loved the outdoors and having your own flowers and garden. You’d be impressed with the way I care for my own yard and plants now. I know you are proud of me! More importantly, I know that the way I love him, the way I cherish and take care of him makes you happy for me and I learned it all from you. You were the very best example of love.

You are my role model for love. You truly are! I often pray that I can love as deep and as hard as you loved. Being vulnerable is so challenging for me but I will continue to work at it. We often want to protect ourselves because maybe it just seems easier but I know the reward that comes with being vulnerable because you taught me.

There is so much I want to say. You have no idea. I feel as if I need you more now than ever. Please stay close to me and remind me you are here. I need you to. I will continue to celebrate my life as I know you would want me to. I will also continue to celebrate yours because you deserve it. I miss you. I miss you so bad.

Happy Birthday, my beautiful mom. You are still my whole world and I love you. I will never stop loving you.

3 Years.

I fell asleep last night with so much love in my heart. Although sadness filled my body anticipating a day I could never forget I reminded myself once again that it doesn’t take a day to remember losing my mom. More importantly it doesn’t take a day to remember how incredible and beautiful she was and how special she will always be in my life.

Sometimes my heart feels so much pain from missing her that it feels like it is going to stop beating.

I never knew pain like this until Friday, April 26, 2013. A day that changed my life forever.

No matter how hard I try this journey it is one that I will never understand, a long the way many inspiring and beautiful things have happened and changed before me. I have continued to work hard, seek God and never stop believing. I am so thankful for the everlasting gift I have received, the day I was born as the daughter of the sweetest, kindest and most loving soul I will ever meet.

Today, tomorrow and until my last day I will spend my life sharing the love and passion I learned from my mother. My heart is heavy and a little lost for words thinking of the three year passing of her death.

Replay 

I can’t sleep again. Every night before I fall asleep I get lost in my thoughts of you. I think about the last morning I spent with you. I think about the conversation we had, the hugs we shared and the last time you called me on the phone that afternoon. I miss you calling me.

I always get lost replaying the good memories we shared. But then it ultimately leads me to the moment I saw you and realized you might be gone. Your body was so still and calm, yet mine was frantic and terrified. I almost ran away, you know. I almost left the house because I was so scared.  I hate that moment. It taunts me.

The night I should hardly remember details of still replays over and over in my mind. The frightening and paralyzingly moments and words will not leave my body. Truth is, I don’t know if I want them to. I pray and I have asked and begged for peace. I have only considered asking God to take away the vivid and painful memories, the thoughts that enter my dreams and wake me up, I will be sweating and consciously can feel my body aching head to toe. These dreams happen frequently, sometimes multiple times in one week.

Some people don’t even know I still feel like this, or probably ever did. How could they not? They didn’t know you like I do, mom. They didn’t fight for you and love you in the unconditional way I do.

I always took the pain for you, it wasn’t even an option. Your worth it and that doesn’t change now. I don’t want to lose any of my thoughts and memories with you. Not even the terrifying ones that cause deep and piercing grief to my body.

Today was April first. Mom, I hate April so much. I hate the month I lost you almost just as much as I hate the day I lost you…

Waves

The moments pass by like waves. They’re powerful and unforgiving. They can also be harmful but somehow beautiful. Sometimes the waves feel like a blur…

You try to get use to the feeling of your new normal, and reminding yourself that you are doing ok because you still continue on day by day, even if it is with great hesitation… You really can’t predict the next strong “wave” that will come your way and even if you could, there is truly no preparing for it.

Sometimes you can’t understand where it is coming from but you still feel it so intensely. A hard part about these waves is when others can’t see it, can’t feel it, can’t relate and there aren’t enough words express the hard rush of such void.

It’s an unfamiliar and unknown place for a lot of people. I am happy for them, I really am. Though at times I can’t help but let jealousy overtake me for what others have or still get to experience. There is bitterness for those that choose to not embrace what I no longer can have. It makes my whole body ache.

Today the wave is overtaking me. It is somewhat frightening to feel this sad but as strange as it is to say, at this point I’d miss the unfamiliarity of loss, death and grieving because I fear that means the pain of losing her had somehow become dull, and I will never see that day.

“Together Forever”

I had a busy weekend cleaning. In the midst of continuing to try to move my belongings from the last 22 years I came across so many reminders of you. Not that I needed them, I always am thinking of you, but for some reason I do always find great comfort in the pain that comes from grieving over everything that reminds me of you. Maybe because it’s the biggest reminder, proof and evidence of what I shared with you. It helps to calm me and relieve my soul that it isn’t empty and lonely because of what I was able to have with you. I am so grateful for all the memories. All the hidden treasures you left behind for me; every little piece is so sacred and could never be replaced.

There were many tears today and even though I think the world thinks I may have found my strength, that I have somehow found a way to “move on” I know its not true. I still hurt, I cry, and I still scream, for you. How could I not? Look what I’ve lost. Even after a few years, I don’t think I believe in moving on. Not from people you love, the people you’ve lost. Not from the friendships you share. I am not good at moving on. I hold on. I appreciate and value the depth of what I’ve shared with the people I love and it just never goes away. I think that is both a gift and a curse. It is hard because there are many emotions involved with holding on.

I found a note from you today. Your handwriting, so beautiful and neat, just like you. The note ended with “Together Forever.” Those words never hurt so bad, mom because I needed you here with me… I suddenly felt angry and rejected. It wasn’t fair; it will never be fair… I finally led myself over to one of my favorite books.

My devotion today… “I AM YOUR STRENGTH AND SHIELD. I plan out each day and have it ready for you long before you arise from bed. I also provide the strength you need each step of the way. Instead of assessing your energy level and wondering about what’s on the road ahead, concentrate on staying in touch with me. My power flows freely into you through our open communication. Refuse to waste energy worrying, and you will have strength to spare. Whenever you start to feel afraid, remember that I am your shield. But unlike inanimate armor, I am always alert and active. My presence watches over you continually, protecting you from both known and unknown dangers. Entrust yourself to my watch care which is the best security system available. I am with you and will always watch over you wherever you go.”

I am thankful I opened my devotional this evening. After a rough day, I felt defeated. I felt hyper sensitive to my surroundings and desperate for all the things I once found comfort in. Exactly what I needed was a reminder from my God that all I truly need is him. It is so easy to become distracted, to get off track. To stray away from him, from who you are and make mistakes. I have been there many times. My heart now cries for the glory of grace and the endless care from the presence of Jesus Christ. Maybe that’s why I can’t learn to move on. Maybe he has taught me to love like him, unconditionally.

 I miss you tonight, mom, as I miss you always. I wish you were here to share this evening with me, but I know you are so close and will always be within my heart. One day, we will be together again, forever and ever. I hold on to that day, it gives me hope and peace. I rejoice in being “Together Forever.”

I Still Catch Myself Walking Around to Find You.

Time keeps passing by. The days get further and further away. But the way that I feel, the terrible ache and desire in my heart, it doesn’t go away. No, not even with time – not with days, not even with weeks.

I just had my third Christmas without you here with me. Can you believe it? This still feels like a nightmare. It just doesn’t seem right. Someone so deserving, so precious, so pure. Someone like you. How could it be? I have no answers, just thoughts and questions that run constant throughout my head.

I am still waiting. Waiting for the day I will wake up and realize it couldn’t be true. That I didn’t lose you, because I couldn’t.

My voice replays over and over again in my mind. Me begging out loud or possibly trying to convince myself, that I could never lose you.

This past weekend I was very sad. Sad to spend another holiday without you.

I came across this poem. I cried and cried reading the words over and over again.

I missed you every hour. And you know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. I’d catch myself just walking around to find you, not for any reason, just out of habit, because I’d seen something that I wanted to tell you about or because I wanted to hear your voice. And then I’d realize that you weren’t there anymore, and every time, every single time, it was like having the wind knocked out of me. – Leigh Bardugo

I still catch myself walking around to find you. And I get so mad at myself because how in the heck could I forget. How could I fail to remember the pain that I live with day in and day out?  I suppose I don’t.

What I remember so vividly, like it was just yesterday, is how beautiful your sweet love was. How lovely the sound of your voice was. How incredible the feel of  your touch was. The wonders of your words of wisdom and the way you always listened with compassion.

I remind myself how blessed I will always be to have a mother like you and that is what always gives me strength to carry on.

But, I miss your love, your voice, your touch, your wisdom and compassion. I miss everything about you, so SO much. I am your girl, always.